Commander Keen Book

pizza2004 · Post by **pizza2004** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:21

Hmm... I didn't think of that... your right, I'll find a way to incorporate him in the book. I'll try and write some more soon, I've been busy with other things.

Lava89 · Post by **Lava89** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:42

Well I think an important event in the Keen vs. Mortimer saga would be the IQ test, I think it would be especially there when Mort would feel he has an advantage over Keen. Plus that could trigger rivalry being that Mort feels that Keen is the only one who could match him in intelligence-- yes he's one point behind Mortimer, but there's so many others who are leagues behind him. If he sees Keen as the only one who could stop him, he would try to make sure Keen feels inferior pretty soon, I would think.

Also, I like Cellick's idea of Mort as not being able to travel through space to the reader's knowledge. Maybe you could show him make fun of Keen for wanting to explore space? Plus he could have a xenophobia towards the idea of other life in the galaxy, then that would explain his need to enslave the aliens he encounters.

Deltamatic · Post by **Deltamatic** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 5:44

This xenophobia could be fueled by a terror that some alien could prove superior to himself.

pizza2004 · Post by **pizza2004** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 13:03

I think it would probably go something like this: Mortimer is bragging about his IQ, and Keen hears him, and pipes up with IQ, at which point Mortimer is shocked and unhappy/mad/whatever else, and realizes he must eliminate Billy. Or something like that, but I'm still open to suggestions, they are very helpful.

Ah ha! I finally figured out what to do, write another short story as a prequel to the Voritcons book, that has that kind of stuff, then it would be included when they are all packaged together! How does that sound?

Deltamatic · Post by **Deltamatic** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 15:59

Since all the prequel material is looking to take up at least as much space as a Vorticons episode, it appears to be a rather wise idea.
Maybe you could have them disputing their IQs and taking a test to prove how smart they are?
Also, multiple appearances of "Mister Three Fourteen" after the IQ incident would be nice.

Lava89 · Post by **Lava89** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 17:20

But would a prequel really help? You'd still need a cohesive plot to keep everything together. At least with the Invasion of the Vorticons you have a threat. I would just leave the "Prequel" stuff to introduce the characters and their personalities but keep it in the Vorticons story to flow into the Mars mission.

After all, every good book or movie has to introduce you to the characters in order for you to journey with them to the end of the story.

Lava89 · Post by **Lava89** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 20:21

I know I am double posting, but here is something I came up with, it more fits with the idea of keeping everything "prequel-ish" in the Vorticon story. And it's a prologue (to make it more novelish). It's to give you ideas, or maybe even start me on something of my own, since this is kinda fun.

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Commander Keen and the Invasion of the Vorticons: 
Prologue

	Billy Blaze, eight year-old genius, was hard at work in his clubhouse. His project: The Extra-stellar Telescope 9000. Billy had just finished it and was adjusting its parameters so he could have a closer look at the farther reaches of space. But just as a strange object appeared in his scope, something most terrible happened; his mom yelled out to him from the backyard porch for him to come to bed. Billy was frustrated but knew if he ignored her the fourth time there would be consequences. So he replied "alright, mom". Billy turned off his telescope and put the screwdriver back in his clubhouse, on a table. Also on his table was a radio he was constructing but he put it on the backburner to finish the telescope and his "big" project. He then closed the door of his clubhouse that had the sign "keep out" on it, which gave him a false comfort. The clubhouse was made out of crude wooden boards he nailed together. He knew he could've tried harder in its construction but it was all he needed for privacy and shelter of his projects. Before Billy could pull himself away and go inside the house he had to pat his "big" project goodnight, which just looked like a big lump under a tarp. He then reluctantly shuffled across his lawn to go inside his house, as he walked by his favorite tree he pushed the tire swing in defiance and let it swing back. Once he opened the screen door to the kitchen he took the stair case to the left and tromped up stairs. When he was getting in bed his mom asked from the downstairs kitchen "Billy, are you all ready to go sleep?" he replied "yes, mom" and got in bed. Billy knew if he complied it could give him a sooner chance to be alone. His mother made her way upstairs and tucked him in. After the lights were off and door closed, Billy's eyes were awake, he knew he had to check that telescope, he thought "I can't sleep when there's interstellar things out there.". He then jumped off his bed, and traded his sleeping garb for his standard clothes; he pulled out his brothers football helmet, that he was hiding under his bed, then out of his closet he grabbed his classic purple shirt, jeans and one of his most critical articles of clothing; red converse shoes. He jumped back on his bed and posed, the voice of a nasally announcer played in his head "Commander Keen-- defender of Earth!". 	
	Meanwhile, a distant space craft is flying through space, she looms towards her destination. She almost has eyes, which glow. She has a growl; the rumble of the sheer power of her weaponry. Her claws, her talons thirst for battle. The ship continues to hurl through space. 
	Later on Earth, around 2:00 am, an alien ship lands in a distant part of the USA. Its crew is most fervent in their beliefs. They make a pilgrimage to what is considered by them to be a sacred place. The structure has markings on it so travelers will know where they are, these markings read in big, glowing letters "TOYS R US". The aliens come out of their ship and ransack the building in a fury. They come out of the store with bags full of toys and get back in the ship. The ship then stops at a nearby Costco because the crew is thirsty.

Genius314 · Post by **Genius314** » Thu Jul 16, 2009 21:45

I have my own ideas for how the entire prologue would pan out, but I'll save that just in case I ever decide to write my own story... I want them to be surprising.

pizza2004 · Post by **pizza2004** » Fri Jul 17, 2009 0:37

Actually, I am going to include them all together, so as to tell a coherent and cohesive story. That means that while I'm going to write them all separately, they will all be like one big book in reality. Sort of like one of the Lord of the Rings trilogy books, that big one that has them all together. So I want to start with Vorticons, then when I am done with that I will see if I want to do the prequel or not. So, I want to figure out exactly what happens in the story, then go back in fill in the blanks with the prequel. That way, I don't have to worry about changing the foreshadowing all the time because of changes in the story.

So, I read some of your prequel, but I don't have time to finish it right now. I'll get back to this a bit later. That is all, thank you, and goodnight.

Deltamatic · Post by **Deltamatic** » Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:48

Lava, I read your version and my editing instinct kicked in. Here's my modified version, which stops as Billy sets out on whatever mission he's setting out on:

Commander Keen and the Invasion of the Vorticons
Prologue

Billy Blaze, eight year-old genius, was hard at work in his clubhouse. His latest project was the Extra-Stellar Telescope Nine Thousand, created to test a theory of optics he'd been formulating.
"At last!" he sighed, leaning back against the wall as he eyed his creation. "If my theory is right, this thing should work perfectly." He leaned over to adjust some knobs only to find his hand trembling. He gripped it firmly in his other hand and spoke to himself. "You've done the calcs, you know the whole deal inside-out. Nothing could possibly go wrong."
Unfortunately, just as he was bringing the stars into focus, a terrible happening occurred: his mother called out to him from the backyard porch in her don't-mess-with-me tone, "William Blaze, you go directly to your bed this instant!"
Billy knew that if he ignored her for that fourth time there would be dire consequences. With this in mind he replied, "All right, Mom," switched off his telescope and put the screwdriver back on his clubhouse table next to a radio he had been inventing. This radio was on the back burner since he was finishing the telescope to relax and also preparing for a major thrust on his big project.
Closing the door of his clubhouse and revealing a large "Keep Out" sign, he contemplated how it gave little security if any. The clubhouse was built of crude wooden boards he haphazardly nailed together. He knew he could have worker harder on its construction, but it was what he needed for his own privacy and his projects' shelter.
Billy began trudging across the grass to the porch, but remembered his big project and swerved to one side. He stopped at a lumpy sheet of blue tarp, patted it, and reluctantly shuffled back across the lawn towards the back door.
While he went by his favorite tree he pushed the tire swing out of defiance and let it swing back. As soon as he opened the screen door to the linoleum-floored kitchen he took the staircase to the left and tromped up to his room. Settling into his bed with a sigh, he heard the familiar voice of his mother came up from the kitchen.
"Billy, are you all ready to go to sleep?" she asked.
"Yes, Mom," he answered. Billy knew that if he played along he could be alone much sooner. His mother made her way upstairs and entered his room. She sat down on the side of his bed and looked at him.
"What is it that you've been up to in that clubhouse of yours?" she asked.
Billy stifled a groan. "Mom, it isn't a clubhouse," he stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
His mother smiled knowingly. "You still haven't told me what you were doing in there."
Billy considered what he should say for a moment. "I was putting a telescope together from a kit." Liar, he thought. Not quite--I kind of made it from a kit I made myself, right? he countered.
"That's nice," said his mother as she rumpled Billy's hair. He shifted uncomfortably at the motion and she withdrew. "Did you see anything through your telescope?"
"Well, um... no." mumbled Billy. There was a moment of awkward silence before he stammered the beginning fragments of a sentence that kept needing revision, as he realized he didn't want to tell his mom how she'd cut him off.
"I hear your brother somehow lost his game controller," announced his mother. Billy guessed she'd discerned something of the causes of his hesitation and changed the subject deliberately.
"Yes, isn't that a shame," Billy commented softly with a slight smile on his face. His mother watched as his eyelids began unevenly drooping.
"Mom!" came a wail from downstairs, shattering the silence. "Josh is teasing me again!"
Billy's mother rose from the bed and began walking out of the room. She stopped in her tracks, turned around in the door frame, and switched off the light. "I love you," she said.
Billy didn't respond. She walked back to his bed and looked at him. His eyes were shut and his breathing was even. She bent down, kissed him on the forehead and left, closing the door gently behind her.
The first sound to greet her ears was of someone crying, "Mom, he's still teasing me!"
Billy's eyes opened and he rolled out of bed into a crouching position. He had work to do.

Lava89 · Post by **Lava89** » Fri Jul 17, 2009 20:44

Deltamatic wrote:Lava, I read your version and my editing instinct kicked in.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Haha

Deltamatic wrote: Here's my modified version, which stops as Billy sets out on whatever mission he's setting out on:.

Thanks! This is pretty cool. I like some of your descriptions and word useage, being that they're a little more graceful than some of my descriptions (I really liked the description of the kitchen floor). Plus I noticed you corrected a mistakes.

My only gripe is that I do feel some of the added dialogue and details belabor things a little (details like about the telescope), my point of the prologue was to get things going, show the reader who Keen was and kinda set the lighthearted nature of the series. I wanted to make sure I cut to the chase here and then add more in later chapters.

So I do like your edit, but I think it does interfere a bit with what I was trying to do. But as long as people are able to use both of our versions is what is most important. And don't feel shy from editing my stuff in the future, I do enjoy reading your additions.

I think I will start calling the series that I am writing as "Commander Keen: Defender of Earth ". Just so people can differentiate between my style and others-- just like what they do with the Spider-Man comics, like Ultimate Spider-man or Amazing Spider-man. Each Spider-Man series follows different storytelling styles and situations.

But even then I'm not in a hurry to write more chapters, I may stop here or I may write a few more chapters. The basic point is just to have fun with this and hope that other people will get ideas.

So here's Chapter 1. I thought I might as well post it.

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Commander Keen: Defender of Earth 
Chapter 1

	Recess was over, so Billy hurried and brought his diagram to his classroom desk, so he could finish it before the teacher started speaking again. However Billy did know that erasing some of scribbles that the other kids put on his drawing in mockery would slow him down. Right as he jotted down the last dimension of the landing gear feet he put down his pencil and the teacher said the first word. "Class--" She paused as she quickly wrote down the schedule on the chalk board of what she was going to teach next "your principle has just let me know that we have a special scientist visiting at this school. And he said while he is here he will give anyone an IQ test who wants one. His lab is next to the cafeteria, on the right hand side." Immediately Billy's mind went wild as the teacher's voice faded in the back of his mind "This could prove to those guys that I am really as smart as I know I am. That this 'techno babble' actually means something". 
	The next day Billy practiced his pogo skills so he could get to school early, ahead of the bus, to ask about his IQ score. He had taken the test after school, the day it was announced, and was told he wouldn't have a result back till "tomorrow". He finally got to the school but at the expense of the pogo spring, which was out of whack. He looked down at it and thought "hmm, maybe I could fix it later". He put down the pogo next to the bikes in the rack, outside of the school and tied a chain around it to prevent theft. When Billy finally got to the science lab door there was someone else waiting, quite impatiently too-- Mortimer McMire, the brother of his babysitter Molly. Billy walked inside the lab but was told that the results were almost done and if he kindly waited outside his assistant would bring it out to him. Since Billy didn't mind waiting he came out and leaned against the wall, next to the door but across from Mortimer. Mortimer was well known for his dummy collection that he showed off at the science fair last year, but he was most infamous for being the top bully in the school. Billy was wise enough to stay out of Mortimer's way, as he usually witnessed other classmates getting beat up. It mostly was for useless stuff too, like he would show them a Gestalt picture and if they couldn't spot the other shapes in the images it often ended in a swirlie. With this in mind Billy nervously greeted him "H-hi Mortimer." Mortimer looked at him and rolled his eyes as he leaned against the hallway wall "I, uh, liked your dummy exhibit from the science fair, last year" Mort finally acknowledged him and sharply gave him a nasty look "You mean the exhibit that got LAST place??" Billy looked down and was kicking himself for not remembering that, but thankfully Mort's impatience for his result stopped him from giving Billy a wedgie. There was an awkward silence till the scientist's assistant finally came out and gave them their test scores. They both opened up the envelopes and said at the same time "what did YOU get?" Billy knew he should probably answer first "I got 314" Mortimer laughed and gave Billy a big slug in the shoulder "I got 315! Haha!" Mortimer put the envelope in his backpack and hurried to class, just so he could sit in the very back and eye his next victim.
	Billy woke up sore, between the towel whipping, wedgies and swirlies he felt like he had an extensive course in PE. Billy recalled all of the things that had happened to him "His Gestalt images were more intricate for me, he also put a sign on my back that said 'kick AND punch me'. And the swirlies, oh the swirlies, as he laughed calling me a 'mental wimp' and 'MISTER THREE FOURTEEN' Should I tell the Principle? Nah, I'll be seen as a wimp, its bad enough I'm already the gifted outsider. And if I tell my parents it will make its way back, full circle." At breakfast, Billy ate more sugar stoopies than usual, so he'd look like he had more energy so his parents wouldn't notice his sluggishness. During lunch, Billy tried to blend in at the cafeteria by squeezing in around large groups of kids, so he wouldn't be spotted by Mort, as he tried to do some more work on his diagrams. But just as he opened his folder a shadow loomed over him and pointed at one of his drawings "What's that?? Mister THREE FOURTEEN??" Mortimer demanded. "It's a space ship" "What?? Do you actually believe those hoaxes that life is out there in space?? No wonder your IQ score was lower than mine!" Billy instinctively said "Well if I didn't know better I would've thought you were from outer space." Just as Mortimer was about to raise a fist the bell rang and Billy grabbed his envelope as he ran off.
	That night Billy was on top of his clubhouse with the telescope, he moved it up higher in a futile determination that it will help him see closer into space. "I don't care what he says, I just know there's life out there, now where was that object I found? I haven't seen it since I first finished my 'scope." Billy started turning his scope to the planets, so he could get a better look at them, but there was only so much he could see. He then looked down at his tarp "I think it's time to finish my next project."

Deltamatic · Post by **Deltamatic** » Fri Jul 17, 2009 23:21

Lava, your style seems to jump between lots of events rapid-fire. The upside is that it keeps the reader's attention and covers a lot of ground. The downside is that you just went over a day of school and half of another one and the IQ test and a bullying session and the introduction of three characters (counting Keen's mom) and the Bean-with-Bacon project all in the space of about two pages. Do you think all these events could get some more time? Just wondering.

Lava89 · Post by **Lava89** » Sat Jul 18, 2009 0:36

Deltamatic wrote:Lava, your style seems to jump between lots of events rapid-fire. The upside is that it keeps the reader's attention and covers a lot of ground.

Thanks!

Deltamatic wrote:The downside is that you just went over a day of school and half of another one and the IQ test and a bullying session and the introduction of three characters (counting Keen's mom) and the Bean-with-Bacon project all in the space of about two pages. Do you think all these events could get some more time? Just wondering.

Well being that I am not an official writer of the Keen saga I am just writing on the side. Thus I am just going by my own instincts and style. But I could consider adding more if people really want that.

And the Bean-W-Bacon hasn't been discussed yet in the story.

But even though I am writing how I feel about the story, one of my rules is that it can't contradict the source material. So I do want to rewrite the Mortimer sections, because it seems like Mortimer has been Keen's nemesis for a longer time than I projected in the story. So I might do the IQ test as an "after" fact.

Deltamatic · Post by **Deltamatic** » Sat Jul 18, 2009 0:48

Lava89 wrote:And the Bean-W-Bacon hasn't been discussed yet in the story.

I thought the the blueprint Keen was erasing the doodles off of was of the BwB, but now I stand corrected.

Lava89 · Post by **Lava89** » Sat Jul 18, 2009 0:51

Well that is true, he was working on the diagram of the BWB. It's just that you said that I "went over" the BWB, which sounded like you thought that he was pretty much done with the BWB...which is he not. I've only made references to it.