EDIT: The entire story so far is available in MS Word format at: http://arjak.wordpress.com/
Being something of a decent writer and being inspired by the other thread, I have decided to tackle my own version of a novel based on Invasion of the Vorticons.
My style is probably quite different from the other efforts, and might not even be a good match for Keen, but I'm certainly going to try my hardest!
I've decided to start out with suspense, making Billy seem like a normal kid, and then slowly reveal his superhuman abilities later on. I'm planning to slowly ease into the story. Please note that it might be a long while before Keen even gets to Mars.
Anyway, here's what I've written so far. It's not much, but I believe it's a start:
Commander Keen
Invasion of the Vorticons
By
Collin Pierce
Prologue — School Daze
Chapter 1
Somewhere in the Midwestern U.S.A. in the early 1990’s…
“Billy! It’s time to get up!”
Billy Blaze rolled over in his bed and made an unintelligible grunt.
After a few seconds, his mom knocked on the door.
“Billy! It’s time for breakfast!”
“Just a few more minutes…” Billy mumbled.
“What’s going on, Billy?” This time the voice belonged to his dad.
“Billy, were you up late last night working in your clubhouse again?” Said Mom as she opened the door.
Billy grimaced. He knew he was about to get a lecture.
Suddenly, Dad ripped the covers away from him.
“William Joseph Blazkowitz II, you are NOT going to miss your first day of third grade!”
“All right! I’m up!” Billy scowled. He hated being called by his full name, and his parents knew it.
Billy Blaze, age eight, was an unusually smart, although somewhat mischievous boy who loved working in his backyard clubhouse, as he had indeed been doing late last night. He was working on his latest top secret project for the local science fair, which we’ll get to soon enough. Billy loved science, especially that which was related to space travel. His ultimate dream was to work for NASA and build spaceships for a living. He knew it was wrong to stay up on a school night, but his project was so close to completion.
After the expected lecture, Billy changed from his blue pajamas into some school clothes and came down for breakfast, where his older brother was already chowing down on a bowl of Wheaties.
“Billy,” his older brother said with an accusatory tone, “do you know where my Green Bay Packers football helmet is?”
“Well…”
“Billy! How many times do I have to tell you not to touch that! It’s a collectible!”
Billy’s older brother was a huge football fan. He was already on the high school team, and was supposedly quite good, maybe good enough to get a sports scholarship. Billy didn’t know much about these matters, though. He only knew what he’d heard from his parents.
As Billy’s brother got up to search his room for the helmet, Billy heard the honk of the School Bus’ horn. He took a couple quick bites of Sugar Stoopies, and ran to catch it.
Commander Keen Novelization - Arjak's version
Commander Keen Novelization - Arjak's version
Last edited by Arjak on Tue May 10, 2011 0:29, edited 3 times in total.
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VikingBoyBilly
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Ha, Ha. Very funny, guys!
Here's a little more:
Billy sat on the bus, fuming. His family never seemed to understand him! Well, none of them, except his grandfather, anyway. William Blazkowitz I, known to his friends as B.J., was a World War II hero. He had been a spy for the Allies who had escaped from prisons, completed missions his superiors had considered suicide, and had even assassinated a Nazi General in charge of a chemical weapons program.
Billy would sit transfixed whenever “Grandpa B.J.” came over and told war stories to him. He often wondered what it was like to be a great hero like him. He wondered what it was like to win the Medal of Honor. He wanted to go on great adventures and save the world, just like his grandfather, his hero. That can-do spirit that Billy loved about B.J. never failed to inspire him. Whenever he was having trouble with a project he was working on and was considering giving up on it, he thought about B.J., who always told him to never give up, and you will succeed.
As he thought about this, he chuckled. His family would come around. One day, everyone would come around.
As Billy walked down the halls of his school towards the Third Grade Classroom, he hoped, no, prayed that he wouldn’t be waiting for him. It was bad enough that it was the first day of school, and he wanted desperately to make a good impression with all his classmates, to prove that he was not a total nerd, but the idea that he was going to be in the same class as him this year was frightening.
Billy had been stigmatized as a nerd for as long as he could remember. Even when he did something that was considered cool, it didn’t matter. He was just assumed to be showing off. Even getting the School’s high score in Kingdom of Kroz didn’t make an impact. Why was this? Billy blamed one person.
And that person was standing at the end of the hall, right next to the door he hoped to enter without incident.
Billy groaned when he saw him.
As Billy approached him, Mortimer McMire, the school bully, and all-around juvenile delinquent, smiled maliciously and cracked his knuckles.
Here's a little more:
Billy sat on the bus, fuming. His family never seemed to understand him! Well, none of them, except his grandfather, anyway. William Blazkowitz I, known to his friends as B.J., was a World War II hero. He had been a spy for the Allies who had escaped from prisons, completed missions his superiors had considered suicide, and had even assassinated a Nazi General in charge of a chemical weapons program.
Billy would sit transfixed whenever “Grandpa B.J.” came over and told war stories to him. He often wondered what it was like to be a great hero like him. He wondered what it was like to win the Medal of Honor. He wanted to go on great adventures and save the world, just like his grandfather, his hero. That can-do spirit that Billy loved about B.J. never failed to inspire him. Whenever he was having trouble with a project he was working on and was considering giving up on it, he thought about B.J., who always told him to never give up, and you will succeed.
As he thought about this, he chuckled. His family would come around. One day, everyone would come around.
As Billy walked down the halls of his school towards the Third Grade Classroom, he hoped, no, prayed that he wouldn’t be waiting for him. It was bad enough that it was the first day of school, and he wanted desperately to make a good impression with all his classmates, to prove that he was not a total nerd, but the idea that he was going to be in the same class as him this year was frightening.
Billy had been stigmatized as a nerd for as long as he could remember. Even when he did something that was considered cool, it didn’t matter. He was just assumed to be showing off. Even getting the School’s high score in Kingdom of Kroz didn’t make an impact. Why was this? Billy blamed one person.
And that person was standing at the end of the hall, right next to the door he hoped to enter without incident.
Billy groaned when he saw him.
As Billy approached him, Mortimer McMire, the school bully, and all-around juvenile delinquent, smiled maliciously and cracked his knuckles.
Last edited by Arjak on Tue May 10, 2011 0:33, edited 1 time in total.
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Deltamatic
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This is really night, really like how you have Billy looking up to his grandfather and wanting to be a hero "just like him". Nice introduction to Mortimer too. All around, I like it.
Things to work on: using 'billy' too much reads really awkwardly for me, especially in dialog (not sure if it does so for others). Try using a few more "he"s instead or reoconstruct sentences to avoid the issue.
No mention of Sugar Stoopies!?
Billy should refer to and think of his grandfather as "Grandpa B.J.", having just B.J. seems awkward and socially disrespectful for someon's Billy's age (unless his grandpa is down to earth like that and prefers just "B.J.", that should be clarified if thats the case). Personally I think "Grandpa B.J." would be consistently good though.
Other than these minor things, I like it. There's not a lot packed in there, but there doesn't need to be, and your sentences flow nicely. Looking forward to more
Things to work on: using 'billy' too much reads really awkwardly for me, especially in dialog (not sure if it does so for others). Try using a few more "he"s instead or reoconstruct sentences to avoid the issue.
No mention of Sugar Stoopies!?
Billy should refer to and think of his grandfather as "Grandpa B.J.", having just B.J. seems awkward and socially disrespectful for someon's Billy's age (unless his grandpa is down to earth like that and prefers just "B.J.", that should be clarified if thats the case). Personally I think "Grandpa B.J." would be consistently good though.
Other than these minor things, I like it. There's not a lot packed in there, but there doesn't need to be, and your sentences flow nicely. Looking forward to more
LOL! Fixed (In my Source Document). I actually thought about that after I posted, but I was too lazy to change it.Ceilick wrote: No mention of Sugar Stoopies!?
Here's a few notes on what I've written:
-I've added a title for the prologue: School Daze
-Originally, the story was going to start really sarcastically. I was going to write "Somewhere in Iowa (Because Iowa is so dramatic)..." but I decided to just start with the more vague and suspenseful line that's in there now. Besides, we don't really know where Keen lives anyway.
-I was also going to give Keen's family names, but we don't have official names for them either.
-I'm glad you guys liked my intro to Mortimer. I don't know why I wrote it that way, but it seemed right to have a sense of dread about him. I want him to make quite an impression on the reader (who shouldn't know he's the main villain yet) so that he will be remembered when I get to the big reveal...
-It was mentioned in a lot of the intros of the games that the famous football helmet of Keen's belongs to his brother (as you all well know), so I thought it would be interesting to see his brother's feelings about this. I had this idea that since he was obviously a Packers fan, that maybe he went to a game and bought the helmet as a souvenir.
That's enough of my rambling. Next time, the confrontation with Mortimer!
I really like what you've written so far, Arjak, especially the section about Mortimer. I look forward to the next installment.
Actually, I believe it was mentioned in Wolfenstein 3D that Keen lives in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.Arjak wrote:Originally, the story was going to start really sarcastically. I was going to write "Somewhere in Iowa (Because Iowa is so dramatic)..." but I decided to just start with the more vague and suspenseful line that's in there now. Besides, we don't really know where Keen lives anyway.
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Here we go! Billy's confrontation with Mortimer!
“Hey, Billy! Long time, no see!†he said with an ominous tone.
“Hello, Mort,†Billy said tersely.
“You know, Billy, I was worried you wouldn’t show! I thought maybe you had decided to skip school this year! Of course, I suppose intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing.â€
Billy wondered what book Mort had stolen that line from.
Mortimer McMire had been tormenting Billy Blaze for as long as Billy could remember. One of his first memories was Mort pouring a bucket of sand from the sand box on his head at preschool, and things only got worse from there. Whereas Billy saw teamwork as an important element of mankind (when it was necessary, anyway; some things were best kept to oneself), Mortimer saw other people merely as potentially helpful pawns at best, and tools for his amusement at worst. Why he chose to pick on Billy was anyone’s guess, but most people made an educated guess that it was because he was the only one that came close to standing up to him.
“Sorry to disappoint,†was the first comeback that popped into Billy’s head.
“I’m not disappointed. You actually made this year worth coming to, Blasted-Wits!â€
Billy’s hands clinched.
“Don’t make fun of my name…†he said, trying to control his anger.
Mortimer leaned so that he was looking right into Billy’s eyes. He smirked.
“Make me.â€
Now, Mortimer was the same age as Billy; within a few months, even. However, he was a couple inches taller and much stronger than him. Billy wasn’t angry enough to forget this; yet.
“I don’t have time for this,†he stated as he attempted to walk past his adversary, but Mortimer stuck out a foot and tripped him. He fell and hit the door hard with his head. He was just about to start throwing a punch when he saw his teacher walking down the hall towards them. Mortimer saw him a second later and stepped back from his prey.
“What’s going on here?†the teacher said with a stern tone.
Before Billy could answer, Mortimer replied, “Oh, sorry. We were just kidding around.â€
Mortimer turned to Billy.
“Isn’t that right?â€
The look on Mortimer’s face told Billy that he would not survive the day if he told the truth.
“Yeah,†he said nervously.
The teacher eyed them both suspiciously, but walked inside the classroom without a word.
“Good choice,†Mortimer said with a smile.
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want you to be sent home your first day, now would we? That would just be embarrassing!†Billy shot back flippantly.
He received a hard shove to the ground in return.
By this point, the school was packed with students. The next kid to come to the classroom was about the same height as Billy, but with hair that was a little darker brown than his own.
“This your class?†questioned Mort.
“Yes…†the kid said with hesitation.
“It’s five bucks to get in,†Mort sneered.
The kid’s eyes opened wide.
“I don’t have that much!†he stammered.
“Wow, that’s too bad! Got any lunch money?â€
Suddenly, Billy looked over Mortimer’s shoulder and said with a cheerful tone, “Hi, Principal Harris!â€
The ruse worked. Mort’s eyes dilated as he whipped around 180 degrees, while Billy and the other kid hurried inside. As they shut the door behind them, they heard Mortimer cursing words that Billy had never heard before, and was not interested in learning.
“Hey, Billy! Long time, no see!†he said with an ominous tone.
“Hello, Mort,†Billy said tersely.
“You know, Billy, I was worried you wouldn’t show! I thought maybe you had decided to skip school this year! Of course, I suppose intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing.â€
Billy wondered what book Mort had stolen that line from.
Mortimer McMire had been tormenting Billy Blaze for as long as Billy could remember. One of his first memories was Mort pouring a bucket of sand from the sand box on his head at preschool, and things only got worse from there. Whereas Billy saw teamwork as an important element of mankind (when it was necessary, anyway; some things were best kept to oneself), Mortimer saw other people merely as potentially helpful pawns at best, and tools for his amusement at worst. Why he chose to pick on Billy was anyone’s guess, but most people made an educated guess that it was because he was the only one that came close to standing up to him.
“Sorry to disappoint,†was the first comeback that popped into Billy’s head.
“I’m not disappointed. You actually made this year worth coming to, Blasted-Wits!â€
Billy’s hands clinched.
“Don’t make fun of my name…†he said, trying to control his anger.
Mortimer leaned so that he was looking right into Billy’s eyes. He smirked.
“Make me.â€
Now, Mortimer was the same age as Billy; within a few months, even. However, he was a couple inches taller and much stronger than him. Billy wasn’t angry enough to forget this; yet.
“I don’t have time for this,†he stated as he attempted to walk past his adversary, but Mortimer stuck out a foot and tripped him. He fell and hit the door hard with his head. He was just about to start throwing a punch when he saw his teacher walking down the hall towards them. Mortimer saw him a second later and stepped back from his prey.
“What’s going on here?†the teacher said with a stern tone.
Before Billy could answer, Mortimer replied, “Oh, sorry. We were just kidding around.â€
Mortimer turned to Billy.
“Isn’t that right?â€
The look on Mortimer’s face told Billy that he would not survive the day if he told the truth.
“Yeah,†he said nervously.
The teacher eyed them both suspiciously, but walked inside the classroom without a word.
“Good choice,†Mortimer said with a smile.
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want you to be sent home your first day, now would we? That would just be embarrassing!†Billy shot back flippantly.
He received a hard shove to the ground in return.
By this point, the school was packed with students. The next kid to come to the classroom was about the same height as Billy, but with hair that was a little darker brown than his own.
“This your class?†questioned Mort.
“Yes…†the kid said with hesitation.
“It’s five bucks to get in,†Mort sneered.
The kid’s eyes opened wide.
“I don’t have that much!†he stammered.
“Wow, that’s too bad! Got any lunch money?â€
Suddenly, Billy looked over Mortimer’s shoulder and said with a cheerful tone, “Hi, Principal Harris!â€
The ruse worked. Mort’s eyes dilated as he whipped around 180 degrees, while Billy and the other kid hurried inside. As they shut the door behind them, they heard Mortimer cursing words that Billy had never heard before, and was not interested in learning.
Last edited by Arjak on Tue May 10, 2011 0:33, edited 1 time in total.