Two Cows

[Pokota]

Pokota: You have two cows. One of them is a major tomboy, and the other is an extreme girly-girl. When either of them answers "Yes" to their name being called, they merge into being one tomboyish cow.

America: You have two cows. You expect them to produce more cattle exactly this way, without any further interference.

China: You have two cows. You are not allowed to have more than two cows. You think this is perfectly fine.

Britain: You have two cows. You expect the Government to cure the cows when they get sick.

Wizard Britain: You have two cows. They're pureblood, I swear!

Japan: You have two cows. You figured out a way to make smaller cows, and went on to mass-produce them for massive profit.

America (again): You have two-hundred of Japan's Minicows. You have no way to pay for this, so you ask China for a loan of all their extra cows. You still expect the cows to do everything without your acting.

[StupidBunny]

D.R. Congo: You have two cows. You have nothing to feed them. A horde of guerillas slaughters your cows and tries to sell them in another village. By the time the guerillas get there, the cows have rotten. Now nobody can buy the cows. The cows are thrown in the lake. The lake becomes infested with disease as a result of the rotting cows. You now have no cows, dysentery, and a horde of bloodthirsty guerillas out to get you.

Antarctica: You have two cows for some reason. They are predictably unable to survive the winter. This is okay, the fridge at the station is always full.

Isolated island country: You have two cows. They escape and their offspring manage to destroy dozens of endemic species. Your grandchildren will be surrounded by cows.

[kuliwil]

Isolated island country: You have two cows. They escape and their offspring manage to destroy dozens of endemic species. Your grandchildren will be surrounded by cows.

...before all cows and people start swimming due to rising sea levels.

[DHeadshot]

I thought we already had one of these threads...?

[Pokota]

Internet forum: You have two cows. Someone posts saying that someone else already had two cows, but doesn't say where. Three days later, you have two cows again, and nobody notices.

[DaVince]

Minecraft: you have two cows. A moment later you have two milk and two leather.

[Levellass]

America: You have two cows; you expect to have 1500 cows by next year, or at least this is what you tell investors. You cut back feed to a bare minimum and keep them locked in c 2x2 meter room to be cost effective. You complain about the government interfering with all its 'animal rights' nonsense and lobby to get the legislation abolished. When the cows die you beg the government to pay all your expenses.

China: You have two cows. They look like goats but the government tells you they're cows. You double milk production by mixing it with white lead paint.

Britain: You have two cows. Your neighbour has ten cows and is the son of the son of the son of a lord who once enslaved your entire family. He is thus a better kind of person than you and the government pays him to keep his cows.

Wizzard Britain: You had two cows. They were killed and made into parchment and your chickens killed to make quills because wizzards don't use fancy paper and pens darnit, and never will!

Japan: You have two cows. They are bright green and carry katanas. At night they fight evil with giant robots.

New Zealand: You have two thousand cows. They gang up on you and now run the county.

Australia: You had two thousand cows, before the flood and the fire. You now have two. She'll be fine though, no worries!

Antarctica: You have two cows. Russia claims they're standing on their soil and so belong to them. Canada claims the same thing.

Africa: You discover a herd of cows. You quickly forget about thsi before both sides of the local militia enslave you to milk them and use the milk profits to buy weapons.

Israel: You have a cow. Your Palestinian neighbor has a cow. You throw the cows at each other. Now both cows are dead. You throw rocks until you run out of them.

Internet: You have two cows. Everyone demands pics, or it didn't happen. When you post these pictures someone puts stupid captions on them and starts a meme. A week later someone has drawn porn of them.

[kuliwil]

China: You have two cows. They look like goats but the government tells you they're cows. You double milk production by mixing it with white lead paint.

And melamine. (FACT)

[Pokota]

Republicans: You have two cows. You milk them the old way, even though the new way is much safer for them.

Democrats: You have two cows. You milk them the new way, even though the old way is much more productive.

Independents: You have two cows. You milk them your way. Everybody tells you that their way is superior for one reason or another.

Libertarian: You have two cows. You milk them your way. Everybody tells you that their way is superior for one reason or another. You tell them to shut up and milk their own darn cows.

[DHeadshot]

Kenya: You have two cows. America wants those cows. America now has two cows.

[StupidBunny]

North Korea: You have two cows. The government takes them away, and informs you that there never were any cows to begin with and never to mention such nonsense. It turns out one of the cows belonged to a man who fought for the south, and you and your family are arrested for treason and sent to a gulag.

Internet company: You have 2cows.com. The site is popular and makes you a millionaire soon after going public. You tell investors that your website will generate millions of cows, even though it has so far produced nothing. You buy two cows, because you are a 20-year old millionaire with nothing better to do. Then the internet bubble bursts. Now your mom's basement has two cows.

Zimbabwe: You have two cows. You are an imperialist white devil, so the government takes them and gives them to an official who has no idea how to raise cows. He shoots the cows for fun, and then gets a $500,000 kickback.

[Eros]

soviet russia: in soviet russia, two cows have YOU!

[StupidBunny]

HP: You have two cows. One of them has bad sectors in its brain and the other one is missing a leg. You call up HP cow support, who suggests you try things you already thought of a long time ago. After talking to several professionals, you finally convince one to send you a new brain and a new leg (your cows are at least under warranty.) Despite following all the instructions provided, the brain and the leg do not install properly. Cow support gives you more suggestions for things you've already tried, and eventually you just FedEx both cows and the new parts to HP. You are finally sent back two functional cows, after a process which has taken over a month.

Based on a true story

[thehackercat]

America: You have two cows. The extreme right and left side of the legislature bickers over the best method of milking them. During this time, both of the cows shrivel up and die. Cow milking has now been outsourced to India.

The EU: Top scientists from many member States have genetically engineered the EuroCow - a truly remarkable cow that is superior in every way to any other cow. It produces as much milk as ten cows and does your homework for you. Unfortunately, the science department is disbanded during the final testing phases.

Russia: You have two cows. They are sick and tired of the larger cows bossing the others around. They overthrow the large cows and proceed to do the same thing, but wear cooler uniforms.

[DaVince]

Meta: you have two cows. You do your best to say something funny, witty or insightful about them on a random internet forum.