Psychotic breaks

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Rorie
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Psychotic breaks

Post by Rorie » Thu Jun 30, 2011 5:44

1st of all let me thank mortimer for starting up the discussion of self harm. it is a subject that is always being brought up and believe me it pays to be aware that when you are suffering a psychotic break feeling suicidal or any other form of depression you need to get help.

so has anyone here suffered a psychotic break in their life?. let me tell you about mine it was around 3-4 years ago i had my very 1st paid job paid peanuts cuz it was disability supported employment and only paid $3 a hour there is actually legal action against the australian government demanding fairer pay for those in supported employment the action was launched by 2 disabilty pensioners who work in a supported workplace.

the case is still being heard but let me get back on track about me. i lasted less than a year in that job. i suffered a breakdown all cuz doctors were stuffing around with my meds. i warned them that it would happen they did not listen. i took medical leave to deal with my problems. the boss promissed me that when i recovered my job would still be there for me. when i did recover got the docs letter. i organized a meeting and the bastard wasn't even there so i decided i am getting the hell out of here!

the workplace finalizied my entitlements and i had them paid in cash after i resigned i felt that i had been betrayed as it was supported employment and i was surposed to get all the support i needed it never happened!

i got help during the time i took leave and when i resigned eventually my meds were bumped upto the original dose and within weeks i was fine and looked for something else to do with my time.

that boss has since resigned himself or was fired. but the exprience i had was enough to keep me away from that workplace forever! never again will i speak to the staff or employees i was treated like shyte!

lucky for me i don't need to work to survive i recieve a pension i have savings to life in as well as the disability pension. i have a guranteed place to live in when my mother passes i am very much setup for life. when or if my vision ever does improve i will look for voluntary or paid work to keep busy.

i currently volunteer at a food bank in my area you don't sign contracts you are welcome to come and go as you please.

VikingBoyBilly: i have tried to space out my words so i hope i did enough to please you when it comes to you understanding my spelling if not let me know and i will work on this even more
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VikingBoyBilly
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Re: Psychotic breaks

Post by VikingBoyBilly » Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:29

Rorie wrote:VikingBoyBilly: i have tried to space out my words so i hope i did enough to please you when it comes to you understanding my spelling if not let me know and i will work on this even more
You've done a great job. Your post is actually readable! :)

I never experienced any real psychotic break downs, except maybe when I was a child, but I was an attention-whoring troll back then. Have you lost any weight Rorie?
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Post by Galaxieretter » Thu Jun 30, 2011 16:25

Did I post something?
I must have left it in my other pants.
Last edited by Galaxieretter on Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:41, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by VikingBoyBilly » Thu Jun 30, 2011 23:00

Galaxieretter wrote:wall of text
Holy garg. :eek
This is the same guy who made fun of me for loving a married woman? Right now, I'm glad I'm me and not you. But seriously, this explains so much. There are some people here who have said you're a jerk and contribute nothing to the pckf community, but even so, I always tried to take the things you said lightheartedly and not get touchy about it, because this is the Internet. It was fun dukematching for a while, too. For some reason I don't know how to get eduke32 to go multiplayer these days and I wish I had your know-how to help me. Really, I hope things turn out well for you.
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Post by Dynamo » Fri Jul 01, 2011 0:31

Despite his story Galaxieretter is one of the coolest people on these boards, just saying.

Anyway... Even though you already told about it, best of luck to you.

Also VBB what is this blasphemy, since when do you play Duke3D?


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Post by Galaxieretter » Fri Jul 01, 2011 1:23

VikingBoyBilly wrote:There are some people here who have said you're a jerk and contribute nothing to the pckf community, but even so, I always tried to take the things you said lightheartedly and not get touchy about it, because this is the Internet.
I don't make mods, therfore I don't contribute jack garg to this community.

Those people can go fucl themselves.

Also why I stopped posting here, I know people don't like me. I can tell.
Last edited by Galaxieretter on Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:42, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Grimson » Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:09

I don't mod Keen, and I wish I did, but I don't consider myself useless here. I'm still a keener and love to playtest Keen mods, and share my feedback.
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Rorie
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Re: Psychotic breaks

Post by Rorie » Fri Jul 01, 2011 7:32

Have you lost any weight Rorie?
yes of as this past week i dropped 700 grams to fall below 120kg i currently weigh 119.7kgs i need to weigh 96kgs to call myself healthy i need to drop 24.5kgs total
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Post by tulip » Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:11

CKeen wrote:Galaxieretter is one of the coolest people on these boards
Word.
Galaxieretter wrote:I don't make mods, therfore I don't contribute jack garg to this community.
Not true. You don't contribute jack garg to this community because you don't continue Blegd and Smeeg.
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Post by Galaxieretter » Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:41

I don't continue it because-




URGH! I get it.
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Post by Djaser » Fri Jul 01, 2011 11:38

tulip wrote:
CKeen wrote:Galaxieretter is one of the coolest people on these boards
Word.
Yeah, that's basically what I had to say.
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Rorie
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Post by Rorie » Mon Jul 11, 2011 23:37

VikingBoyBilly and others who want to know i had a gain of 500g last week but this week i dropped a massive 1.1kgs i am stil having a hard time beleving this but every kilogram gone is a another step toward health so i am thrilled by my latest result
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Up yours Fleexy!

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Post by Commander Spleen » Tue Jul 12, 2011 13:49

So, my turn to wall of text.

The most interesting experience I've had was waking up from a particularly epic dream about a storm, and someone talking about time being important after all. It felt like I'd been testing a state of living outside of time, just to see if it was actually a useful thing to have, but that the actual content was well beyond comprehension to my regular state of consciousness.

I should probably mention that this was two weeks after an unintentional drug trip* at a party. Everything seemed fine until this one morning at about 4am.

[* I still haven't got that tattoo done; maybe one day... ]

When I awoke, it felt like I had burning lava running through my entire body, and I found myself in an acutely existential frame of mind. It is difficult to compress it into words because it's basically the subject of every conversation about why the universe exists, why we're here, how completely arbitrary it is that each person's consciousness ended up in that one specific body and not another, how every day in order to function we have to take it for granted, on some level, that we are living the life we live, even though when you look closely it's pretty random. It was like I'd lost my point of reference. It's the sort of thing you can hardly grasp even looking back on a memory of such an experience. You have to be in the experience, or else it's just another concept.

This turned into a panic attack, which I'd experienced before during high school, but this was in a somewhat different form. Back then I would wake up shaking, feeling more curiosity than anxiety. But this time I was not shaking, and could only feel raw reptilian fear and dread.

At various times I felt like I was in a kind of daze, sort of behind a glass pane and very detached from my perception. But nobody would have noticed, because I still managed to behave more or less the same. After some research I discovered its descriptive term, 'derealisation'.

So after this happened a couple of times, I went to look into some treatment for it. Medical options were not so appealing (sedatives and probably diagnosis of some random psychotic condition), so I booked in with a psychologist. I was given a breathing exercise to handle the panic attacks, and we discussed whatever came to mind (most of which I've forgotten). Overall, this worked wonders and I was in a much better state of mind than I'd been since changing schools when I was 15.

The panic attacks and general anxiety had subsided. However, the depersonalisation still came and went, and a frequent sense of dread persisted. I read up on this as well and discovered a study indicating that dread and anxiety are handled separately by the brain. It was rather fascinating in a way--it felt like there was something important that wasn't right, like I'd left the stove on or tomorrow I was going to have to wrestle a leopard, but there was no physical fight-or-flight aspect. With some further work this sense of dread also faded, though I don't recall any particular moment this occurred.

In the end, this derealisation still plagued me, as well as an increasing sense of detachment from my everyday life. I was almost constantly aware that everything in my life that was familiar, was completely arbitrary in a universal sense. That the universe could have started at a different time, or could not have existed at all, and we wouldn't even know the difference. Much like we're currently hurtling through nothingness at incomprehensible speeds, but can only know it conceptually. Being able to actually sense that fact directly would be a close analogy to what I was experiencing in a metaphysical sense.

This was something I had toyed with since childhood, but there was always a safety barrier that my mind seemed to have to keep it from going that far. I would often try to imagine what it would be like if nothing existed at all, pondering whether there was any way for the universe to have not begun. The closest I could get was an image of absolute blackness, but then my mind would realise the blackness was still a thing. This was my tree falling in the woods, which triggered a temporary dissociation. Very quickly, I would find myself imagining a truck driving past the house, and snapped back to my normal awareness. Not being able to snap out of it like that any more was sort of scary.

Concerned that this might be some permanent and uncontrollable symptom after all, I poked around the interwebs for visualisation or meditation techniques that might be of use. I tried one visualisation that assumed mental imbalance can be caused by an imbalance in the third-eye chakra. I think it was something about imagining my head bathed in magenta. Within a couple of days, I was actually clear-headed again. But not before one climactic existential experience.

I was packing up a stall at a market, amidst another episode of derealisation that had been with me much of the day. I must have been pushing it a bit further than usual, contemplating more of the implications. A physical sense of infinite distance to either side enveloped me, as though I had comprehended the very physical depth of the universe, or more to the point a lack of any graspable boundaries to define said depth, the incomprehensible vastness. But it felt as empty as it was vast. My internal monologue was discussing something, and ultimately decided that it had seen what it needed to. That this was enough for now. I was then able to go back to my regular consciousness again.

Later in the year, things went the other way and I found myself in an uncontrollable state of bliss and detached amusement (but feeling more intensely present instead of derealised). I imagine this is what it would feel like to be trolldad. It came and went, but often stayed for days on end, and it still tends to be summoned whenever I think to remember it, like now. It's pretty close to what I associate with my early experiences with computers and DOS and Keen, actually. Sometimes, briefly, I think it almost is.

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Post by DHeadshot » Tue Jul 12, 2011 18:59

*Looks at linked pages*
:O
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Post by Ceilick » Tue Jul 12, 2011 21:46

Over the course of a general depression in high school and college I've had a number of ''breakdowns' in which mental functionality ceases and the only information I could process was the means of killing myself and either despairing over it or dwelling on it with dry hopelessness. I often imagine this looking like a spinning washing machine or bike tire; a thought or idea that just keeps cycling and spinning through the mind uncontrollably, creating an overwhelming emotional buildup.

The worst and most distinct breakdown I've ever had occurred several years ago after waking up suddenly and being terrified that my consciousness was splitting in two , that my personality/identity was being permanently destroyed by a force out of my control and that a new identity would take over my body and my life. The things that alarmed me about this was that I felt aware of the change/intrusion (I thought it was happening right then) and that people wouldn't realize that my body wouldn't have me in it anymore; that whatever this new identity did and was responsible for would be associated with me. I can't recall how this incident ended, but I guess it must have. The only drug involved in this incident was an antidepressant which I wasn't taking very responsibly.

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