Essay help

Nospike · Post by **Nospike** » Tue Jan 19, 2016 19:12

Since I don't really have anybody else to ask, I figured you guys might be able to help me

I have written an essay for a language competition that is very important to me (there's actual winnings! yaaaay!) and, while somewhat confident in myself, this is still the first really serious English essay that I've written. I had no guidance but I want and need it to be perfect.

The topic is, "Is Elon Musk a great man?" The mission is to define a "great man" first of all, then decide whether Mr Musk fits the definition. (Hint: YES YES YES) There's a nasty 600 word limit that's had me remove a lot of fancy words that would have scored me mad points.

Any of you guys can read it here. I'm looking for criticism and impressions. Any help is invaluable.

Thanks a bunch.

Post by **Keening_Product** » Wed Jan 20, 2016 3:06

Here are my edits. I haven't had much sleep so have probably made more errors than I have fixed, but whatever. I used track changes in LibreOffice and made a lot of notes using the tool. If you cannot see them on your system, let me know and I will use a different format.

http://www.willpjk.com/wp-content/uploa ... edited.odt

Nospike · Post by **Nospike** » Wed Jan 20, 2016 6:23

That... is... exhaustive, to say the least.

Thanks a whole ton, I'll go through it in the afternoon when I have a bit more time.

Post by **Keening_Product** » Wed Jan 20, 2016 15:03

Do not interpret the number of notes as a bad thing, it is a good little essay. That word limit is a bastard.

You write way better than many of the native English speaking postgrad journalism interns I have looked after.That someone can pass a tertiary journalism course without understanding the basics of sentence structure is a bad sign for Australia's higher education system. They screw up really basic stuff, too - keep punctuation inside quotes, do not bury the lead, use the simplest possible language, if you are going to get your tenses wrong at least be consistent. I had one who was even inconsistent with copying out someone's name - one half of the story it was spelt one way, the other another. That is a simple copy/paste job ffs! So yeah, very good job nospike.

Post by **Levellass** » Thu Jan 21, 2016 7:03

We have ourselves a professional editor here.

Post by **Keening_Product** » Thu Jan 21, 2016 16:09

A byword for professional dickhead.

Edit // Hey, the language filter was cool with that!

Nospike · Post by **Nospike** » Thu Jan 21, 2016 21:39

After changing up some things based on your notes, I'm pleased to find the essay quite a bit better overall. I've decided to leave some of the slightly unnecessarily fancy phrases in just to make a better impression on the judges (vocabulary apparently makes up 40% of the final rating), but many of the tips you've given me are invaluable, especially all mistake corrections. I'm surprised I didn't really make any major grammar errors in this thing. With the numerous edits, I've had enough space to add a much needed short section about Mr. Musk's stance on AI research. Neato.

Thanks again by the way! I'll have my other friend-turned-university-teacher check it out and then it'll probably be ready for the glorious turn in.