World Mental Health Day

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proYorp
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World Mental Health Day

Post by proYorp »

Hi... Well this feels like a long shot, but I've been thinking about doing this for awhile. I wanted to take the opportunity to try to open a discussion about something that has been one of the most dominant parts of my own life.

I've had... some experience with mental health issues throughout the few years I've spent on this planet. I've both felt the effects first-hand and been affected by it second-hand. Painful depression. Complications from ADHD. Net-zero self-esteem. Some things I prefer not to name. Some I don't have a name for. I think I've had to cope with mental problems in some form or another for basically my whole life. I'm finally improving, but it's much slower than I'd like.

Talking about it is always uncomfortable as hell. Somehow I still end up trying to make an effort to share when I can, because for me, the most encouraging thing has always been hearing from people in the same situation. I want to be that voice for someone. Honestly that's essentially all I want in life, to connect with people that have been through similar experiences. Supposedly there's no way to do that without opening up, to my constant chagrin... I'll stop rambling now.



I only learned that October 10th is recognized as Mental Health Day last year, and I don't think I'm likely to forget the fact very soon. Funny story. Around late October, I stumbled upon some video that said it was published for Mental Health Day and I thought "oh interesting! when is that?" When I looked up the date, I couldn't help but laugh at the poetic irony of it... it was the same day that I had experienced a panic attack. That was certainly a day that I was sharply aware of just how good my mental health was not.

I have no idea if anyone else would be open to discussing this sort of thing. I don't know if I can even trust myself to be able to engage because of all the stress I've been under recently. But I want to at least ask... does anyone want to talk?
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Nospike
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Nospike »

Hey Pro. I'm a day late to the party but I hope you had a pleasant day and that every other one will be like that from now on. :)

Sounds like you don't have it easy at all. I can't relate to all your struggles but I sympathize with you 100%. I've had some issues myself with self esteem, social anxiety and my relationship with other people and the world at large. So far 2022 has been very kind to me and I've made large strides. Like you said, however, progress feels very slow when you look at the big picture and compare your position to yours and others' expectations. But that's okay. I still feel proud when I look back into last year just around this time and see how far I've come. And it sounds like you have something to be proud of as well. :)

Take care and keep on Keening, I'm sure I'm not the only one who greatly appreciates your presence on these forums. :)
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by proYorp »

Thank you so much Nospike for taking the time to write such a thoughtful message. :'( <3 I think I really needed to hear all of that. And here I was beside myself worried I'd be absolutely ghosted... (Don't worry about being a day late, it's a slow forum I know... of course anyone is welcome to reply on any days that are not October 10. :o Sorry it took me a few weeks to check in...)

Jesus, my nerves paid the price for this. :dead Really made me wonder why tf did I do this to myself, bringing this clear out into the open. I mean, I know why; I calculated everything beforehand. There's this allure given by the anonymity of text, that I could successfully disguise my personality, that no one would have to see how screwy I am... but it's not realistic, at least in my case. :-| By posting more often I make myself more visible and my dumb quirks bleed through the words. They noticeably impact my personality and directly affect how I interact with people, even in text. I can't hide it, as much as I want to. :no Not completely.

I mean, I could, if everything I wrote was strictly filtered, unemotional with no opinion. But that takes so much more time. It's a lot more comfortable, sure, but it's not as fulfilling and I don't think I actually want to do that. :confused Commander Keen and mods and PCKF has been my main hobby for however many years. I guess I'm just hoping that I'll be allowed to be myself while I do it. Image This is a forum of decades and the personal connections made here are not short-lived. I want to be a part of that. :'( And to give others the chance to be as well. Even if it may need to involve sharing personal stories to work (...or is this oversharing? :foot I can't tell...).



And you're right, I have actually improved a lot... :) I can't forget that, it's the best part! Certainly it's the part that I'm most eager to share stories about. I would not have been able to push through all the chaos thrown at me recently if not for the progress I've made just in the last year. (Still am cracking under the pressure, but that's what counseling is for. :D) I don't think I'll ever have depression as bad as that one time again... It'll be a while yet before I can say that every day is a good one, but the thought that someone here wishes that for me absolutely means the world to me. :'( <3

I guess the fact that I was even able to start this topic marks a lot of improvement... I'd tried to do something like this a few times but I just didn't have the guts... (Though I have touched on the topic of mental health a few times, just not so... thoroughly. :dead) It's the strangest thing, when I was finally able to post that, I actually felt relieved. Serene, even. :confused That has never happened before with posting anything to the internet. Absolutely bizarre. And I guess... I guess I did feel proud of myself. :o (And then the nerves kicked in, dear god... :barf yeah social anxiety = the actual worst)

So then, why did I write all this anyway? :confused Because this is... really important to me. Mental health is something I'm passionate about, and I'm fascinated by all that goes into it. Obviously a lot of that is because it's something I've had to contend with so much in myself. I hope someday I'll figure it out enough to be able to help other people as well. That's my goal. This is who I am. :)
ok time to psych myself out again about getting ignored lets go x~x happy halloween
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by proYorp »

Here I am again, one year later. A lot has changed.

Firstly I want to again thank the few people that reached out to me after I initially posted this. Those messages genuinely had a profound impact on me. Though, I want to clarify, it was absolutely not my intent to make this all about me. Not at all.

My intent was to inspire people to freely engage in sharing meaningful personal experiences. I've studied most of the history of this community and I've observed that there have been periods of time where the forum seemed a hub of honest, candid discussion between people who really seemed to be close friends, and from a wide range of backgrounds too. I think that's a beautiful thing and I see potential here to foster that sense of connection. I've also seen that after the peak of that season of open familiarity, the community itself was damaged in the 2010s by a marked period of unchecked personal criticism, bullying, and worse; all things that will kill an environment of mutual vulnerability because no one is free to take that risk. There have always been scuffles and strife but the forum hasn't been the same since then. I want to repair what was lost, and I think we can do better than before. At this time I believe the forum itself is in more responsible hands than it has been in any time past, and current dynamics indicate it is safe to come out, though there was a time when it most certainly was not.

The way I see it, if the damage to the community was caused by belligerent disregard for others with intent to break them down, then the cure would be to make oneself vulnerable in order to build others up. That's what I was trying to do here. It was not a clueless shot in the dark to start a topic on mental health. I know this community and I know a good majority of members are neurodivergent, and this is something that has been discussed in passing and in depth throughout our history. A very long history, as internet spaces go, which is another reason why I think this community would be a good one to emotionally invest in. Even people who've long retired from active involvement will return on occasion, and that could be a blessing or a curse; but the reason it is a blessing is that it makes this community a stable place to form connections. Crucially, stable connections are such a huge part of overcoming mental illness. You need to have people you know you can trust to turn to in time of need, and that can be very hard to find if you're already in deep. I think this community has the potential to create a genuine support group within itself. The ingredients are all there.

Obviously, it can't just be me doing this for that to work. Others would have to be willing to join in. I want to invite anyone who is willing to take that risk to be part of ongoing discussion. I might try to do this for another year or so to see if it sticks, but if it doesn't then that will be that I suppose.



I also completely understand not wanting to open up personal vulnerabilities. It's not exactly flattering. It was especially hard for me to say anything about my own struggles, because my main prior experience had been being bullied by peers and punished by authorities for my difficult emotions. Knowing that there is some risk here of being subjected to those things -- in spite of my rational thoughts otherwise -- made it honestly terrifying to potentially make myself a target. I did suffer a nervous breakdown after I started this topic, partly due to that. I wonder now if it really is possible to repair trust in this community by simply trying to push through. The more I think about it, the more I feel like there needs to be justice for the individuals that were harmed in order to move forward.

It's still rather uncomfortable for me to reread those earlier posts I wrote. Even so, I want to keep them around so they can be a future encouragement to show how far I've come, and hopefully to be encouraging to others that it is possible to get better. I've improved so much since one year ago, I almost don't recognize myself. I'm not the insecure mess I have been almost my entire life. I'm not dependent on other people for my safety and basic physical needs. I still have a lot to improve in but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I didn't know better I'd think I've already made it, because I've been able to experience real peace and happiness for the first time I can remember. In spite of how brutal this year has been for me, this has also been the year I've been able to find deep healing in Jesus. I still have off days for sure, and right now the change in weather doesn't have me at my best, but even that isn't as sharp as it used to be.

Finally, I will just remark that no hired therapist can match the encouragement of receiving genuine support from someone who voluntarily reaches out to you, even briefly. Thank you again, everyone.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Dave216 »

I've been anxious around people for most of my life. It's never really bothered me until I've entered early adulthood. As you've said, talking about it is difficult since, the way I perceive it, it's not an issue that persists throughout my entire day, but it's there none the less. So it feels like talking about something that is not a problem per se. Only when all the noise of everyday life is gone and you're left with your thoughts do you begin to see a pattern. I also dislike talking about myself and my problems, but since you've made the topic with the intent of making people open up, I might as well. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, for everyone to see your vulnerability, and to talk openly about it. I admire that. And I would have written something sooner on this topic, but I have a difficult time expressing myself, and I will most inevitably cringe in the near future for writing anything. I always feel that talking about anything personal is oversharing, no matter the subject. Don't get me wrong; it's not that I mind when other people do; I just feel uncomfortable when I do. And when I do share, I wish I didn't.

I honestly don't quite know who I am. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but even that feels off. I am not depressed when I am with my inner circle of friends or when I do my odd hobbies; I actually feel quite fulfilled "most of the time". I just wish I didn't stick out like a sore thumb when I was around other people. Or maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I just think I do. And all these constant inner monologues and overthinking like that make me just so darn tired. I've always had these weird quirks and the fear of saying anything out of place, like I need to double check every word I say before saying it, you know?

Sometimes I think my way of thinking is a blessing; I can get easily motivated by music and art, and I can get emotionally more invested in something than others, but it feels like a redundant "skill" in a great scheme of things. Like one of those useless perks in a RPG game that you never pick because it doesn't help you in the long run. "Oh, great, I can get emotionally invested in stuff no one is interested in. wHeRe do I sIGn uP?"

All I can say is that nothing feels consistent. I might feel awful tomorrow for no reason, just as I can feel great the day after that. Maybe that's better than feeling nothing, I suppose. It makes life more interesting, doesn't it? Maybe there is no meaning in overanalyzing why I feel the way I do. I wouldn't be the person I am if those flaws were not a part of me, though it's hard to think this way when you're feeling blue. Maybe I feel comfort in feeling blue, since it's easier than trying not to be. Who knows...

Anyway, I rambled for way too long. I was mostly motivated to write this to thank you for opening up. It gave me some reassurance in some way. I am also super glad you're getting better and feeling more confident.

I read through this some time ago, and I imagine the stress you felt while hitting that submit button, just as I am about to now.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Nospike »

Thanks for making that post Dave, I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I've been feeling a very similar way recently and decided to start going to therapy again to try to get through it.
It sounds silly but we have this containment thread on this obscure old internet forum so we might as well use it. I'm not gonna go pushing other people to discuss mental health problems with me in unrelated contexts but just like that I also wouldn't let anyone take away from me the pleasure of being able to unashamedly talk about it here. :)

ed: also just noticed your signature and had a good laugh. Gotta rewatch the Dwarf soon.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Soul Monster »

Originally I was going to post about this in the Life Updates Thread, but after seeing this thread make a comeback, and seeing how my story ties into mental health, I feel it fits more with the context of this thread. I think it's admirable of you proYorp to try and bring people together in this thread as a vehicle for them to open up about their struggles as a way to encourage healing and hope. Trying to establish a support group in our community is an excellent idea, and if you need help in building the foundation, count me in. After everything I've been through, I want to help others who have/are going through similar challenges in their own lives, and by telling my story I hope that it can give them reassurance that whatever hardships they're facing are just temporary, and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel as long as you remain steadfast and find something to make you smile through it all.

I have never been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness, but I can empathize with the feelings of depression, anxiety and loss of hope others have felt after the last few years. After a very deep and personal experience last month, I feel like I've finally overcome these feelings, and have come out of it with a newfound feeling of hope and optimism. There's a lot to cover, so I'll have to split it up into a few posts, but I hope that in telling you guys about my journey, that it will be a source of inspiration to everyone on here. It's going to take me a little bit to figure out how to properly word it all, and to ensure that I don't leave out any details, but I'm looking forward to sharing this story with you guys.

EDIT: The story I tell in this thread contains the following subject matters: Suicidal Thoughts, Death, Disease, Sexual Assault, Domestic Terrorism, Politics and Alcoholism. You've been warned.
Last edited by Soul Monster on Fri Oct 20, 2023 18:33, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Soul Monster »

I think the best place to start with my story is to discuss just what I was going through the whole time. I've mentioned in passing on here that for the last 6 years I had been through a lot and hadn't been in a good place mentally for a long time. A lot had happened leading up to the situation I found myself in, and really it dates back even further than that. So here part 1: I'm going to share just what these hardships were that I faced.

Everything really started in 2010, when my grandpa needed to have heart surgery. I don't remember exactly what it was for, but I believe years of smoking and drinking played a factor in this. A few days later, there were complications that led to him having a massive stroke. We honestly thought that was the end of him, but my grandma did everything she could to keep him going, and after 6 months in the hospital, he finally got to go home, but he wasn't doing so well after that. He couldn't read, he couldn't write, he had memory issues, and the right side of his body was completely numb. From that point on, his day mostly consisted of watching mindless television for hours on end, and occasionally my grandma dragging him out of the house to get him to do something more than that. During this time, if my grandma needed a break or needed to have a vacation from home, I would be asked if I could stay over at their house to care for him for a couple days. It would happen often, and I didn't really mind doing this, because I got to have some time away from home, and it got me a little extra cash in my pocket. During my downtime, I would play video games, browse the internet, work on artwork, read, etc., so it wasn't all bad. However, it was a lot of responsibility I had to take on as a kid, and it forced me to mature faster than most of my peers. I mean, any task in which you're responsible for someone's life can be very stressful and difficult to deal with, especially as a kid with no experience doing this type of thing.

Over time, his condition got worse. 2014 is really when it became noticeable. We were up in the mountains visiting my uncle at his cabin, and the morning we were leaving to go home, it was pouring rain, and the stairway leading to the front entrance was very slippery and steep. My uncle and I were the only ones who didn't fall while using it. Oddly enough, my grandma had him go down this route, in which he ended up slipping and scraping his leg. Due to his health issues, he had to take a lot of medications which prevented his blood from coagulating like normal, so something as simple as bumping into a wall would result in him bleeding, and his arms and legs were significantly blackened from blood pooling up under his skin. It was so bad that if he was at a hospital or doctor's office, nurses would call co workers over so they could see how severe it was. After he injured his leg, we had to go back in the cabin while my grandma tended to his wound. After about half an hour, and he was bandaged up, my grandma and uncle brought him out from the back door, which had more level ground, to the car. Initially, we were going to find a hotel that night and split the trip into 2 days, but we ended up driving the whole 14 hours that day. Oddly enough, my grandma didn't take him to the hospital until a few days later, and by this point it had become infected and was oozing some nasty stuff.

While in the hospital, his knee had to be replaced a second time because the infection had spread to it, and he was recovering in a nursing home after. There was one day where me and a few other family members went to visit him. When we were leaving, I was waiting outside for my other family members, and it seemed like it was taking a while. I had been waiting outside for some time, when all of the sudden, an ambulance pulls up to the front entrance with its sirens blaring. I'm wondering what's going on, so I go back inside, and they're putting my grandpa on a stretcher. Apparently, when my other family members went inside again, his oxygen levels had tanked, and his face was beat red with veins popping out all over. His condition got a lot worse after this incident. His memory deteriorated even more, and around that time he was also diagnosed with COPD and congestive heart failure. From that point on, he needed to be on a continuous stream of oxygen to live.

I was still tasked with caring for him from time to time, and the only thing that was different was making sure his oxygen machine was always functioning. Even though I had this responsibility from time to time, I still had an optimistic look on things, and had a lot to look forward to. Things remained like this until April 2017, when my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer. Apparently she had been experiencing symptoms for a full year, and only now did she decide to seek medical attention. During the summer, she underwent chemotherapy, and seeing her in that state was painful. She lost all her hair, she couldn't tolerate most foods (a side effect of radiation treatments is that it throws off your sense of taste, giving most foods a metallic taste), every time she used the bathroom she would have to dump bleach down the toilet as well (due to the radiation making bodily waste toxic, as well as other bacteria-based diseases), and she had constant fatigue (I mean, you're essentially poisoning yourself in this situation). The only food she could tolerate was Wendy's chili and chocolate frosties, because it was the only food that didn't taste off to her. Even water tasted off to her! While other family members were taking care of her and taking her to appointments, I was staying at their house to care for my grandpa just about every day during this. That summer, my grandma also underwent a massive surgery to rid herself of the cancer. This surgery cost around $750,000 and involved removing multiple organs and replacing them with an ostomy bag.

After this surgery, she was doing a lot better. Her energy was coming back, her hair was growing back, and it seemed like this was all behind us.
We still had to care for my grandparents, but it wasn't over yet, we just didn't realize it. While I was going through this, I wasn't in contact with a lot of my friends, and if I was, it didn't seem like there was anyone I could talk to about what I was going through. Something happened during this time, where I had some drama with a now former friend, who seemed to be turning my friends against me, and taking advantage of me to get with my friends. After calling me out about distancing myself from him in front of everyone, I walked away from the whole group, feeling like I had been betrayed by everyone, and that nobody was on my side anymore. I didn't know who I could trust. I felt even more alone after that.

In November, as things were returning to more of a sense of normalcy for us, we were celebrating Thanksgiving at my grandparent's house, and while we were there, we noticed my grandma was experiencing some odd symptoms. Her eyes weren't focused, she was having trouble keeping her balance, and she was starting to have memory issues. Out of concern, she was taken to the doctor's office a few days later, and that's when we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain, and there were a total of 11 spots in her brain. This time, there was nothing they could do, because there were too many spots and they were all too deep, so they gave her 6 months to live. For whatever reason, she decided to go through radiation treatment all over again, undoing all of her progress in recovering from the last time. Her hair fall out again, she was in a constant state of fatigue, and she was incapable of tolerating almost all foods, but it did temporarily improve her symptoms.

Simultaneously, my grandpa fell at the doctor's office and broke his hip, requiring him to undergo surgery. He was recovering in a nursing home, which had horrible staffing issues, resulting in a lot of neglect and improper care. By this point, we were told that we couldn't leave my grandma alone, which meant I was going to my grandparent's house every day to care for my grandma, who was beyond stressed with everything going on, while scrambling to complete my college courses and attend to my own personal life. I was mentally exhausted and completely broke, the latter from constantly having to use my money for gas. I normally got paid by my grandma for my caregiving duties, but I was wearing myself out, and because she didn't want to get outside help, a lot of the responsibility fell on me, since I was to only who could take on these duties. Eventually I just stopped getting paid, and I didn't feel like I could say anything, otherwise anyone I'd bring this up to would go off on me and simultaneously chastising me for being broke, which, let me tell you, fuels insecurities like nothing else. Sometimes people could be very cruel, hassling me and saying things like "You're not doing enough", trying to convince me that I was the reason I was in the dire situation I was in while ignoring my side of the story and turning a blind eye to the responsibilities I had, and ignorant, misguided crap like that, when at any moment I could get a call asking me to spend the night. Still, I stuck with my duties, going over there to check up on her and help care for their dog. Taking their dog for walks through the neighborhood in the winter night was the only relief I could get from all of this, and I had to see a lot of traumatic things. The one that I'll never forget is when I was the only other person there, and my grandma was screaming in her sleep. That messed me up pretty badly for quite a while, and I was pleading with family to not have to do this anymore after that. I had mentally snapped when that happened. I couldn't take it anymore, but I was the only one who could do it, and yet, the very next day, I was back at their house, alone with her, as a nervous wreck praying that I wouldn't have to experience something like that again.

We celebrated Christmas that year at their house, and I think deep down, everyone in attendance knew that this was going to be our last Christmas together, and it was a very bittersweet gathering. We also went to see my grandpa at the nursing home, but he had been acting differently lately. He wasn't watching TV, he wasn't eating, and he wasn't interested in seeing any visitors (not that he ever was). He just wasn't acting like himself. While my grandma was going though her struggles, she dedicated herself to helping him, even though she was beat to Hell at this point. In January, I started to have some of the responsibility lifted off my shoulders as family was coming over to stay with my grandparent's. That February I remember getting sick with a cold, and I have never been so happy to be sick in my life, because it meant I could have a break from these responsibilities. I spent the whole time watching mindless television and youtube videos, and downing cough syrup like shots of vodka.

That month, my grandma pulled my grandpa out of the nursing home, being fed up with the way he was being treated. At home, he started developing this nasty cough, and a week later, he went to the emergency room with pneumonia. He was on a respirator, and he hated it so much. The thing is, his condition wasn't improving. None of the treatments did anything, and this is when my grandma finally decided to give up on it all. I think she knew this was the end of him, and she called in their pastor to give him his last rites, and he was subsequently placed in hospice care, where they stop trying to cure you, and instead focus on providing comfort. He was moved to a new room, without the respirator, on a constant drip feed of morphine. He seemed a lot happier about that, and over the next few days, family came in from all over the country to see him one last time, and 6 days after being placed in hospice, he passed away. A funeral was held a few weeks later, and my grandma's symptoms from Thanksgiving were returning, only this time there would be no more treatments for her. Shortly after, she was taken to the doctor, which ended with her being moved to the hospital (which was a revolving door for years at this point). Family came in to see her, and we had a discussion with the doctor about putting her in hospice care, to which everyone unanimously agreed. My grandma was always the strong one, she was a fighter, and watching her holding back tears in that moment was painful to watch. Still, it was the only option, and I spent as much time seeing her as I could.

While dealing with the loss of my grandpa, the impending loss of my grandma, and all the mental trauma I was subjected to, my dog also got very sick. She threw up several times one night and her health was deteriorating since. She was having diarrhea, she was having serious balance issues, weakness, and kept throwing up. She looked sick, she smelled sick, and when they give you that look it's just soul crushing. The vet couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, and I was worried that I was going to lose her too. I was at my worst at this point. I was broken, depressed, I was beat to hell, I was losing a lot of weight from not eating, and, while I wouldn't say I was suicidal, I didn't want to be alive anymore, because everything in my life was falling apart, I had lost all control, I was being hit with so much at once, and I had to go through it all alone. I dreaded getting up every day, knowing what was in store for me. There were a lot of nights where I wished I'd fall asleep and never wake up again. After a few days in hospice, and all of the family coming to see my grandma, she passed away one morning in April. As for my dog, she was diagnosed with pneumonia after throwing up at the vet, and finally started getting treatment. She managed to pull through and is still alive today.

My grandma's funeral was held a few weeks later, and it was the last hurrah for the family being together. Ever since then, everyone has splintered off and gone their own way. Even though my grandparents were gone, we still had to clean out the house and get it on the market. The next few months involved me helping with these duties, while trying to persevere through my losses. In the fall, the house was sold, and we all went back to our own lives to rebuild ourselves and move on. That summer, I reconnected with a good friend of mine, who backed me up for what happened with that former friend, and I had a very therapeutic discussion where I didn't hold back about that former friend who made this whole thing so much worse, and I realized that I wasn't the only one annoyed with him, and feeling that connection again was very helpful and uplifting.

Things improved after this starting in the fall of 2018. I reconnected with friends I hadn't heard from in a while. I set goals for myself again, I had big plans that gave me the optimism I needed again, and I was ready to have a fresh start to get myself back on track. Then 2020 happened, and everything came crumbling down all over again...

Writing this has been very therapeutic for me, and has been a great way to document my journey without omitting any details. Thanks to anyone who is taking the time to read all of this. Part 2 will be coming soon.
Last edited by Soul Monster on Tue Dec 26, 2023 21:37, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Benvolio »

Very interesting reading, from my perspective specialising in the field of Elderly Care Medicine.

Sounds like your struggles were extremely complex at that time. I feel like some of these things would turn out differently in Western Europe compared to the US, due to a very different health and social care system. But not necessarily. Things are not free over here either however there are safety nets to limit how much financial responsibility people have to bear for medical and social care. Carer strain and carer breakdown (the latter you somehow managed to prevent happening for your grandparents) are a huge challenge in caring for the frail elderly. It can also put strain on the cohesiveness of a whole family, with long-lasting repercussions as you have clearly described in your family.

I am intrigued to hear what has happened next. I am interested in the interface between psychological suffering (however severe it may be) and life circumstances, and how this differs from psychological suffering more directly rooted in a mental health diagnosis.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Soul Monster »

Well hello again. First of all, thank you to everyone who is taking the time to read the full length novel that my story has been turning into in this thread. It really means a lot that there's people with an interest in this stuff on here and are taking this seriously. This is my first time discussing all of this so openly, and in a lot of ways, while it is painful to relive these memories, it feels good getting it all off my chest. There's still so much to say, and I'm just getting started. So without further adieu, here's Part 2:

After going through everything I talked about in Part 1, 2019 became a much more uplifting year for me. I was still saddened about what I had been through, but I was getting a better hold on things again. I started getting back in touch with a lot of my friends, I was setting new goals for the following year that would kickstart a lot of new opportunities for me, and I would be back on the road to success. I felt like I was on the right track again, and was going to have a fresh start. 2020 was going to be a big year for me, and I had a newfound optimism going into it. Then the pandemic hit...

I know it's hard to remember now, but the first few months of 2020 were just like any other time. Everything was going good, and while we were hearing about the situation in China, people didn't seem too worried about it. I mean, bird flu had spread, swine flu had spread, and it didn't really impact anything. Everyone expected this to be just like when those viruses had spread. This time we weren't so lucky. In March, just 1 week after helping the owners of the local game store move into a new location, the world shut down. Suddenly, coronavirus was spreading like wildfire, everyone was becoming gravely ill and dropping like flies, and everyone was told to stay home. It was the days of the bubonic plague all over again. When this happened, it took a little time for things to really get to me. At the time, this was talked up as the end of the world, that all was lost, this was it. Initially, me and my friends just saw it as a temporary vacation from life's responsibilities, and I spent a lot of the early days creating artwork and listening to music. While it was nice to have a break from everything, it was pretty sad for us too. When the stay at home order was issued, I was 1 month away from graduating college, and the ceremony I got in the end just involved me driving through the parking lot and getting a few goodies with the stock graduation music playing. It was pretty uneventful. At the same time, a friend of mine got laid off from his job, so we were both just stuck inside with nothing to do. This was all very hard on me, because I had just overcome the worst period of my life, and just as I was overcoming the loss of my grandparents, this all came up, destroying all the hopes and dreams I had again, everything I was making an effort to strive for again, just to be hit with a global threat that resulted in me being isolated from the world and being left in a state of limbo. It absolutely destroyed me, and all those feelings of sadness and despair came back full force. This time, it didn't feel like there was a way out, nor did I have any control of this situation.

During the summer, things started to sink in, when we found out that our little reunion at our convention was not going to happen, and another one that I was trying to make it to was cancelled as well. It was around this time that I started to give up hope, and found myself in the same depressed state I had just overcome. I think we all were trying to find ways to medicate ourselves from going completely insane during everything, and for me it was going on long bike rides, going for long walks through parks, drawing, listening to music, watching movies and playing video games. But then to top off what was going on in the world, massive riots ensued as a result of police brutality. This incident was going on near my friend, so we were staying in touch through text messages to check up on each other. Things got pretty scary there, and the whole world was watching this unfold. It was more than just retaliation from what happened, it was also people who had nothing to lose lashing out as a result of fear, anger and distrust. It was the LA riots all over again. It was sad to watch everything unfold, and at times it did feel like the world was coming to an end. In the midst of all the chaos, one of the things I would do for escapism is hang out with my friend. We would set up a TV outside on his patio and watch movies at night. The first one I showed him was a banned disaster film called Prophecies Of Nostradamus, which contained a lot of imagery and plot elements that were very similar to what the world was going through at the time.

Things fizzled out eventually, but it was disheartening seeing what was becoming of society. As the months went by, I became even more depressed, thinking that this was the end, that all was lost, and that we would never get out of this mess. Eventually I wasn't even leaving the house, I hadn't seen many people for months, and all I could do is watch as all my friends turned on each other and disbanded. This is when me and another friend ducked out to avoid the drama and began chatting more frequently through texts. After a while, because I was burned out on texting and just needed to hear another human voice, I asked if we could chat over the phone one night, and that's what we did from there on out. 2 or 3 times a week, we would chat over the phone into the early morning hours talking about movies, cartoons, video games, and just overall venting about our situation. Suddenly, things didn't seem so bad again, and we needed something more uplifting if we were to endure the harsh winters that were just around the corner. It was refreshing to be able to have another person to talk to again, and it did make things a lot more bearable, even though things still seemed hopeless around us. Honestly, if it wasn't for him, I would probably not be alive right now.

While reconnecting with my friend did bring more optimism into our lives, things still felt hopeless. All of my hopes and dreams were destroyed, there was growing fear about the dystopian future that seemed to be just around the corner, and it felt like we were never going to get out the mess we were in. I remember so many times just thinking to myself "Is this it? Is this how it ends?", wondering if it would even be worth it to continue on. During the winter, I was inside even more, and in early 2021, waking up to see the news of a domestic terrorist attack on the American capital was absolutely disheartening. Right before our eyes, we were seeing the dark side of patriotism, and the end result of the political divide that has escalated so much over the years. Despite that, I gained a little more hope during this time. It was refreshing knowing we'd have a new president that wouldn't be so boisterous as the last one, so the media wouldn't be gaslighting over what the president was saying every 5 minutes. Also during this time, the pandemic seemed to be dying down a little. To top it off, something very important was on the way from someone I look up to...

In January 2021, I bought a little something that would lift my spirits like nothing else. At the time, I had lost all hope, I had nothing to look forward to, and I woke up every day feeling miserable and disenchanted with everything, but all of the sudden, that all changed. It was like Christmas was coming all over again, and I had something very special coming in the mail in the very near future. I waited every day until it came with anticipation and a smile on my face. The day it came, I was so overjoyed and full of excitement as I opened up the envelope and pulled out one of my Holy Grails. It was like the scene in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory when Charlie pulls out the golden ticket. I showed all my friends what I had gotten from one of my heroes. They all thought it was the coolest thing ever, and they were all very happy for me. I remember too, when I got vaccinated and was essentially bedridden for a day or 2, I put it on my desk chair to look at while I was feeling miserable.

While that did raise my spirits, I was still in a bad place mentally. It seemed like the situation was improving at this time, but the depression and despair still lingered. For a good portion of the pandemic, I was drowning my sadness in alcohol, which certainly wasn't the best option, but when you lose all hope and the will to live, what do you care? I got pretty drunk a lot of nights, and looking back it may have been one of the few things preventing me from suicide at times. In the spring, something else happened that raised my spirits again. Myles Kennedy, one of my favorite musicians, released a new solo album called The Ides Of March, and the album was mostly written about everything going on in the world, from the riots, to the pandemic, to the misinformation being shoved in our faces. I preordered the album, and got it in the mail 4 days before the release date, which included a signed 5x5 of the cover art. The night I got it, I played the whole thing, and felt my spirits lifted again. That album was exactly what I needed at the time, and it was a ray of hope saying that everything going on at the moment was only temporary, and someday we would have a fresh start again.

Despite some things looking up for me again, I was still depressed, and still drinking in excess, but I was doing a little better now. I was still in touch with my friend, and soon other friends joined in on the chats. In the summer that year, after lurking for some time, I also joined this community, which was a breath of fresh air to be on a forum so low on drama, and to have such an intimate group of users compared to my past experiences with forums. I was on here a lot because what else was there to do? Never before had I had such in depth conversations about Commander Keen, and to be on here to connect with fans all around the world and hearing about their holiday traditions and cultures, all over a mutual love for a classic computer game.

It was around this time though, that the riots started up again, and this time it was right in my own backyard, again due to an incident involving police brutality. Things got pretty scary by me, with buildings being burned down less than a half hour away, combined with vandalism, protests, and gun violence. It was close enough to me that stores in my area were boarding up their windows as a safety precaution, and started closing early, coupled with the cities imposing curfews. My friend messaged me regularly during this whole thing, and while I was safe, there was still some uncertainty about how things were going to play out. It got pretty scary, but just like the initial ones the previous year, it eventually played itself out, and all that really came of it was a few family owned stores were burned down, and it sounds like the arsonist(s) didn't even know if there were people in the buildings when they did it.

By the end of the year, things were still grim, but I had more optimism that things would get better soon. I had a few goals again, but I remained cautiously optimistic going into 2022. At first, things started off alright. I was still in touch with several friends, and by this point we could hang out inside again. Sadly though, one of my goals fell through the cracks, and I was absolutely crushed by that one. I was sad about that, but at least I was having fun again going out and doing stuff without fear after being in hibernation for so long. Over the course of the year things returned to normal for me. I was able to reunite with a lot of friends and have some fun experiences, even if one of them gave us all covid (by this point we were all vaccinated, so no big deal). Everything had pretty much returned to normal for us, and we were able to go do more stuff together and have fun again without any fear of the pandemic.

Later that year, I got sick with something, and I'm still not sure what it was, but it lasted for about 3 months. I was experiencing constant fatigue and couldn't tolerate most foods, otherwise I felt severely nauseous. At the time it was hard going through it, but I still managed to have normal experiences again, and that depression I was feeling was starting to subside to a degree. That's the thing about depression: it's very hard to pull yourself out of that mindset once you've succumbed to it, but now I had my friends to turn to, and they were supporting me all the way through whatever I was going through. We still keep in touch through those late night chats, and we've become like a crazy little family. It felt good to have that support again, and compared to the hardships I had been through previously that I had to endure alone, a more recent one was a lot easier for me to get through because of my friends looking out for me.

Earlier this year, I had an experience that got pretty terrifying. Me and a few friends were at a hotel, and there was this girl in a rather skimpy outfit loitering by the elevators on her phone. I got on the elevator with a few other people, she got on too, and I was heading back to my room, when I heard someone say something to me. That girl followed me to my room, asking for "emergencies?". She spoke very broken English, and I told her "I have no idea what you're saying", so she replied "stairs" (I should've known something wasn't right when she asked me this). I helped her find the stairs, and then she asked me to open the door for her. I thought this was odd, but, I went along with it. I turned the handle, and it opened. Before I know it, I'm shoved into the stairway, the girl is standing in front of me, and inappropriately touching my privates, while saying things I couldn't understand (not that I was focused on what she was saying anyway). My brain shut off and I just stood there frozen with fear as she continued touching me. I thought I was being set up, because, not to profile or anything, but she kind of had the human trafficking look to her. I rushed out of there and went back to my room. Thankfully my roommates were in there, and I immediately told them what just happened. They were shocked, and we decided from then out we would not traverse the halls alone. I went around and told some other friends of mine there, and I found out I wasn't the only one who experienced this either. Me, my friend, and his friend who wasn't touched, ended up reporting this to the front desk, which escalated into us filing a police report. When the cops showed up, we answered a few questions, gave them our IDs, and they issued a trespass warning against this person and had them kicked off the premises. It was over, we did all we could, but being sexually assaulted messed me up for a while after. The lingering guilt, combined with the feelings of vulnerability, being violated and the loss of control all stick with you after something like that. It wasn't until our after party and heavy drinking that I felt better, and with the support of my friends through this ordeal, it made it easier to start overcoming this. The contrast this time compared to the past couple years was night and day. To have people looking out for me like this was something I wasn't used to, so it was refreshing to have people truly there for me. Supposedly we were assaulted by a K-Pop fan (you've probably heard the stories), as there was a concert going on in the same vicinity while we were in town, and apparently the singer they would be seeing kind of looks like me. If anything, I was relieved to know that I wasn't being set up during that incident.

Because I had the support of others, who were there for me the whole time, being sexually assaulted was a little easier to overcome than I initially thought it would be. I still occasionally have PTSD from that incident, but for the most part I think I'm over it now, and I'm just glad it wasn't any worse than that. The misfortune that came before that still had me a little depressed, and I just wanted closure after 6 years of setbacks, and there was something I held out hope for in making that happen the whole time. One way or another, I was going to get my wish to put all of this misery behind me once and for all...

Quite the read there, wasn't it? Thank you again for taking the time to hear my story. I'm surprised I remember as much as I do from the pandemic. That whole period just feels like a blur, and this is the first time I've ever opened up about a lot of this stuff. I've never gotten this detailed, nor have I told many people about what I was really going through during the pandemic, and even less about being a victim of sexual assault. It sure is a lot to take in, but there's still 1 more part to go in this story, and it's how I finally overcame all of this and got closure on it all...
Last edited by Soul Monster on Sat Dec 09, 2023 6:03, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by proYorp »

I'm a little amazed, I really wasn't sure anyone wanted to try to be part of this. I guess I just had to be a little more direct. It's never been easy for me to let people know what I want but it's another thing I'm getting better at.


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Dave216 wrote: Wed Oct 11, 2023 16:34 It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, for everyone to see your vulnerability, and to talk openly about it. I admire that. And I would have written something sooner on this topic, but I have a difficult time expressing myself, and I will most inevitably cringe in the near future for writing anything.
Wow... "admiration" was not on the list of reactions I was expecting. Mostly I was anticipating silent disdain. Pity at best, not that I have anything against compassion. That's actually a huge burden off my mind, even a year later. Thank you. It also means a lot to know that there were more people that would have wanted to say something.
Dave216 wrote: Wed Oct 11, 2023 16:34 And all these constant inner monologues and overthinking like that make me just so darn tired. I've always had these weird quirks and the fear of saying anything out of place, like I need to double check every word I say before saying it, you know?
I do know. It sucks. Especially in text where I literally can see every word and check it before anyone else ever sees it. I will second-guess every word, letter, and comma and proofread it start to end 40 times. I've been able to reduce that to about 3 times.
Dave216 wrote: Wed Oct 11, 2023 16:34 I can get easily motivated by music and art, and I can get emotionally more invested in something than others, but it feels like a redundant "skill" in a great scheme of things. Like one of those useless perks in a RPG game that you never pick because it doesn't help you in the long run. "Oh, great, I can get emotionally invested in stuff no one is interested in. wHeRe do I sIGn uP?"
dude yeah for real

Like, even me with this forum. Once I started reading it I got super attached and a little obsessive, certainly beyond healthy limits. Most of my participation has involved scheming and plotting like some kind of manic supervillian and by the time I'm done with all that I don't have any energy to actually interact, so for all anyone else knows I'm not even here.
Dave216 wrote: Wed Oct 11, 2023 16:34 I was mostly motivated to write this to thank you for opening up. It gave me some reassurance in some way.
:'( Aw thank you. I'm so glad to hear that. That means a lot. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Dave216 wrote: Wed Oct 11, 2023 16:34 I read through this some time ago, and I imagine the stress you felt while hitting that submit button, just as I am about to now.
suffering in solidarity let's go



Mercy, the submit button, you have no idea. You know what? I'm gonna take this opportunity to rant about something that's been a pet peeve for a long time, mainly because it doesn't really affect me anymore, otherwise I'd keep quiet.

There's this phrase that's practically ubiquitous online. I bet all of you have heard someone say, "I have really bad social anxiety, but on the internet talking to people is so easy for me!" I started developing social anxiety about as soon as I started interacting with other people. I could never understand what actions made people like you or hate you, and everyone else had me beat on experience. I also wasn't allowed to use the internet except for games for kids, and PCKF was one of the first places I found real live humans having real conversations. In text where every variable of interaction was plainly visible I could clearly see cause and effect; if you say this or that, someone will get mad, therefore do not.

So PCKF was also the first place I ever felt I had a chance to earn a good reputation, and maybe even make friends. To my dismay, once I joined I found that online interaction was exactly as stressful as real life. Even more so, since there's no real limits on how mean someone can be. So, especially early on, I would do all the proofreading and revising I was capable of with my level of awareness (which decreased every second as the stress suffocated my capacity for intelligent thought), and once I could do no more I would sit there and simply stare in agony at the submit button for a good 15 minutes. It would take that long to collect the tremendous amount of energy it required to shove through my own mental barriers and hurl another piece of myself into the cold unfeeling vacuum of space. Every damn time. Of course, I couldn't let that show through. If there's one thing I learned from real life, it's that nothing you could do makes a person hate you more than feeling nervous.

"Talking to people on the internet is easy." Right, of course! How could it not be true if everyone says it? Clearly it is not difficult and I am the only one in the world who has ever struggled with this simple task because I am just that pathetic. It's not enough to fail to be socially competent, now I find out I'm also failing as an introvert as well.

Past tense... It's not like that so much anymore for me but someone needs to say this. I think I've only seen like 3 other people in random corners of the internet indicate any difficulty in online interaction. The irony continues in the fact that posting online only started getting easier for me after I started having less social anxiety in real life. They're not separate experiences. Maybe I humanize the floating text boxes too much to not care what they say.

and can i ask if anyone else has had to deal with this


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Nospike wrote: Wed Oct 11, 2023 19:18 It sounds silly but we have this containment thread on this obscure old internet forum so we might as well use it. I'm not gonna go pushing other people to discuss mental health problems with me in unrelated contexts but just like that I also wouldn't let anyone take away from me the pleasure of being able to unashamedly talk about it here. :)
"Containment thread" hee. :D We are secured in the nuclear fallout shelter with 43 years' supply of animal crackers. Thank you for participating.


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Soul Monster wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 18:12 [2733 words]
Mate first of all I'm gonna apologize that there is no earthly way I could respond to all that in equal volume. I've read all of what you posted and I will try to respond to some but I gotta finish replying to the earlier posts so far in this topic or I'll be left in the dust. :foot I didn't think it would take off like this.

[took a break in my writing, part 2 was posted as I'm writing this]

...
So I just read your part 2 and holy f##k I am not sure I could respond well in any words. I did not expect this discussion to go so dark so fast (was thinking it would eventually if it was successful but I was caught off guard) but at any rate I'm glad you've been able to find catharsis in writing this all out. 🫂


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Benvolio wrote: Mon Oct 16, 2023 22:11 I am interested in the interface between psychological suffering (however severe it may be) and life circumstances, and how this differs from psychological suffering more directly rooted in a mental health diagnosis.
I am convinced there isn't a difference. I know for myself that most or all of my diagnosed issues are a result of early childhood trauma compounded by growing up in an unsupportive, neglectful, and sometimes abusive environment.

I've also learned that right now the developing theory on genetically carried disorders like ADHD is that tendencies for such a trait are in the DNA of anyone who has a parent or ancestor with the condition, but the right "flags" have to be triggered by environmental circumstances/experiences for this gene to awaken and manifest as the disorder plus whatever traits it carries, which could happen even before birth. So someone could have the gene for ADHD and not have the disorder because it wasn't activated.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

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The thought occurs that it would be a good idea to include relevant content warnings at the top of posts in this thread. That's usually what is done for discussions like this. Off the top of my head important ones to include are trigger warnings about self-harm, suicide or suicidal thoughts, assault or abuse of any kind (labeled according to the type discussed), derealization, death, gore, and I'm sure there's others. Basically graphic descriptions of any kind of suffering should be preemptively labeled.

I'm sure everyone has seen this used somewhere before but here is an example:
Test Post wrote: Content warning: Death

Once upon a time, death.

To be honest I'd even ask for content warnings on posts including discussion about politics. Reading any talk about politics tends to make me uneasy because I've seen people get violent over that. And also because of that fact that for some people it triggers strong violent emotions is a good reason to put a warning...
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Re: World Mental Health Day

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I'm scared. I'm really... I'm hallucinating, I'm getting terrifying experiences of feeling like everything's a signal from somewhere like I'm psychic. Nobody ever really gave me a sense of what hallucinations are like and now I'm feeling like I've had them for years, maybe all my life.
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Soul Monster »

After reading some of the responses to my story, it occurs to me, before I upload the final chapter, perhaps I should give a little more context to the monstrosity I've composed in this thread. Revisiting all these painful memories reminded me of all the sadness, the anger, the helplessness, the despair, and the feeling of abandonment I felt the whole time I was going through this all. After I wrote the first 2 parts, I had a long talk with a family member who was also involved, and something clicked inside me during that conversation. I didn't sugarcoat anything, I was very upfront about how I felt when I remembered the way people acted, the ways I was mistreated, all the mental and emotional manipulation, the things they said, how they made me feel as a result, the insecurities they fueled, the ways they made me feel unloved and rejected despite everything I was doing for them, all while being subjected to traumatizing horrors that still haunt me to this day. There's 2 songs (The General and Monsters) I just acquired that contain lyrics that, while not related to the context of my situations, resonated with me and spoke to me in a lot of ways that I could relate to with everything I've been through and the ways I felt. I'M NOT HOLDING BACK THIS TIME!!! I DON'T GIVE A S**T ANYMORE!!!

The following subjects are discussed in this post: Suicidal Thoughts, Attempted Suicide, Drug Addiction, Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Spousal Abuse, Domestic Violence, Death and Disease. "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Right? Just think of this as an bonus round.

Like Benvolio said, these things can have long lasting repercussions on the cohesiveness of one's family, but honestly, in my case, it was never there to begin with. Every family has dysfunction, that's something nobody can deny, but it seems like mine is exceptionally dysfunctional. With a handful of exceptions, I almost never see anyone from my family, and when these memories come back or I attend family gatherings, I remember why. The only reasons I even go to gatherings with family anymore is because I always eat good, I always get to hear dark, unfiltered family stories, and as a reminder for why I don't see them any other time. I'm the black sheep of my family, the one who's ignored at gatherings, who gets shut out of conversations, the one who barely knows anyone, if at all. It's blatantly obvious that there's favoritism, and I'm not one of them. I'm the one who is pushed aside and stuck sitting around bored out of my mind while having to watch everyone else have fun. If I do get a chance to interact with someone, it's only because everyone else left or they have nobody else to converse with, and even then they don't give a f*****g s**t about me or anything I have to say.There is hardly any way I can relate to them, and vice versa. Deep down I want to be able to have a close relationship with family, but I know that when I come back from these gatherings it'll be like nothing ever happened, and I'm not going to see or hear from them for another year. I always feel like an outcast at these things. Family gatherings are a cruel reminder of how disconnected I am from them.

Here's the thing: there's a long history of various forms of abuse, often a result of mental illness, alcoholism or drug addiction (both of which are very common in my family), combined with bad marriages and downright evil behavior from individuals. All of these things splintered the family a lot, as a result of "generational trauma as one family member put it), so us grandkids never had the opportunity to develop any kind of meaningful relationship with most family members. Even the ones we were close with weren't always saints, but some of them tried to better themselves and mellowed out over time and became a lot nicer. After we lost our grandparents, the family essentially imploded and everyone went their own separate way, because my grandparents were the ones who brought everyone together, and without them the connection is lost. After losing my grandparents, the amount of family I actually see could be counted on 1 hand, and after that I'm lucky to see anyone else once a year, but most never. I really don't have any family I can turn to, so when I tell my closest friends that they are my family, I'm not joking. They've been more like family to me than my own real family.

Anyway, as for my actual family, what are they like? Well, most of the ones I see are pretty nice, but because that connection isn't there, it's too late to establish a meaningful relationship at this point. However, there's a lot of people who were/are downright evil. So many times I go to these gatherings, and fortunately because dirt is dished pretty liberally, I get to hear some pretty dark s**t. It's no holds barred around the right people. In some cases, the right person adds a sense of humor to it. These stories involve everything from physical, emotional and mental abuse, to being chased around the yard by a drunken family member wielding a loaded shotgun, to family members chasing each other around the house with knives, to parents physically assaulting their kids. I've heard quite a lot, and it's always a treat to hear all of this when I get the chance to listen to these stories.

I suppose I should discuss what my grandpa was like before I was caring for him. Over the years he had mellowed out a lot, but he was a very angry, short tempered, and impatient person. After his stroke, he was still like this, although he became a little nicer (maybe he forgot why he was mad in the first place), and later on I found out that my grandma was slipping him anti depressants with his other medications. Before his stroke, he could be very cruel at times. The reason he was like this is because his dad was a very mean person who drank heavily and would beat his wife and kids, and since my grandpa was the oldest kid, he got it the worst. He was a very heavy drinker and smoker, and abused his own wife and kids. He had a lot of issues with control, and sometimes he would just straight up bully family members (myself included) for no reason. It's hard to get details about this from certain people, but having more context and seeing things from an adult perspective, I can see the effect it had on them. Like my mom said, it's sad that things ended the way they did, but it doesn't exactly undo the damage that's been done. That's not to say we didn't have fun experiences with him (Hell, he's the reason I'm a fan of Commander Keen), as he wasn't always being angry and mean. We all actually have a lot of nice memories of activities we did together, it's just that there's so many bad memories mixed in with them. My mom is convinced he had depression, and in men especially that can come out in the form of anger or sarcasm, which sounds exactly like him.

In some cases, I can see the effects it had on their own kids too. One of them, my cousin, had a kind of screwed up childhood and later secretly struggled with addiction problems for some time until he nearly committed suicide, which was his motivation to go to rehab, and he's been sober for some time now and is finally starting to turn things around. We used to be close when we were kids, but over time he became a completely different person. I would only see him at Christmas after he moved, and he had such erratic behavior when I saw him, where one minute he would be nice and cool, and the next he'd be an a*****e to me for no reason other than what I can guess was to put me down in an attempt to feel superior. He was always hungover at these events, which I later learned was actually him going through withdrawals. After years of this it has significantly impacted the way I think of him, and any time I considered reaching out to him, I would remember the way he'd act and how it made me feel and decide not go through with it. Another family member also had some serious problems with drug addiction, and it's a big reason why nobody wants anything to do with her. I can see how being raised by her messed up my 2 cousins, who are now off living their own dysfunctional lives. Because of a lot of the dysfunction they and other family members faced, a lot of them just straight up avoid any contact with a majority of the family. It seems like I'm the only one who got to have a (mostly) normal childhood, and some family have told me that some of the other grandkids seem jealous of me at times as a result.

Now onto the very thing that sparked this post. While I was caring for both of my grandparents and struggling with all these psychological traumas, most of the family that wasn't involved in what was going on was completely oblivious or ignorant to just how much I and some of the others were doing for my grandparents. People would show up, act like they knew everything that was going on, and just beat me down with their criticisms and complaints about the way anyone who was truly involved was doing things. People would relentlessly give me a hard time for so many different things, and adding to the fact that I was flat broke from having to constantly pay for my own transportation and expenses to go and do this s**t every day, while having to ask for money for errands I'd have to run for people only to get my ass chewed out and begrudgingly being handed a couple bucks afterward, did nothing but fuel insecurities and make me feel even worse about the position I was in. Remember, I got paid early on, but eventually that all stopped, and because everyone was so hair trigger from everything, there was no way I could ask for a little cash for my efforts, or I would have to deal with being labeled entitled, ungrateful and undeserving of anything like that. Certain people were also relentlessly harassing me for not taking my car through the carwash or get an oil change or whatever, because I had to make the choice between that or another week of gas, and then somehow had the f*****g balls to blame me for not taking care of my car when it would have problems. Way too often, while my life was put on hold because of all this, people would berate me and accuse me of being unproductive and lazy, which did nothing but eat away at my psyche even more and make me feel even more insecure about the position I was in. The thing is I had no way out of these responsibilities, because my grandma didn't want to get outside help. It's not that she couldn't afford it, from what I remember it was either a trust issue or a financial reason.

I may not remember the explicit details of what people said to me, but I sure as Hell remember how they made me feel. And the thing is, nobody is willing to acknowledge what I did for them or own up to their actions, and anytime I try to talk about it or tell my side of this story, I get f*****g cut off and interrupted and ignored, or just get an apathetic reaction. They don't want to hear what really happened because they're afraid to face the f*****g truth, about what it was like to be a traumatized kid being forced to take on a life or death responsibility for some of the only family I was ever close with while being talked down to, being psychologically and emotionally manipulated and abused, while having every aspect of my life being destroyed without any sort of control or stability or any way to salvage it!!! To feel betrayed by all of the people I thought I could trust, whether friends or family who left me all alone to suffer in the unbearable Hell my life became while going to sleep every night wishing I would f*****g die out of dread for the horrors that awaited me every day I had to endure this nightmare!!! And to top it all off, with the financial situation this all created for me, some people still had the f*****g nerve to find a way to blame me for being in this situation as a way to ease their conscience, and tried to make me believe that I did it to myself, while simultaneously sabotaging my attempts to try to get a little extra cash in my pockets myself to make up for all the money I pissed away to do all of this for them so they wouldn't have to!!! I lost so much respect for certain people for the way they acted during all this, and it's not the kind of s**t that can be forgiven, because situations like this expose people for who they really are, and you can see just how cruel, self involved and narcissistic your loved ones can be in the face of a tragedy or a hardship!!! What especially pisses me off even more is the people who showed up just to f*****g collect, and bulls**t everyone about how much they were doing while undermining the efforts of the people who actually did something worthwhile to help, while pretending that they were doing so much in an attempt to gain praise they never f*****g deserved!!! Hearing people talk about all the insignificant s**t they considered "helping" while refusing to listen to what was really going on from the people who were directly involved makes me feel nothing but hatred and contempt for those who talk about it like it was such a big thing to do for them!!! Nobody wants to know the truth!!! I am the very thing people like that fear: the one person who's not afraid to hold back and shed a light on them and their misdeeds!!! I don't care about holding back, I ain't got s**t to lose at this point in calling it all out!!!

This was a long time coming, and I feel like I just exorcised a lot of inner demons in writing this one out. I felt a lot better after writing this all out. Never have I ever written anything so venomous, so unforgiving, so vile as this post before. This is also the first time I've confronted the sense of rejection and the feelings of being unloved I feel from my family. Now that I think about it, writing this story out feels like me finally acknowledging and confronting all of the unspoken and unsorted feelings I've felt all along. Hopefully it provided additional context regarding my family, and what made the whole ordeal I talked about in Part 1 so much harder for me, combined with the feeling that my efforts and sacrifices were taken for granted. Well, now that I've got that out of my system, there's one more part to this story, and it's where I finally got closure on this all and found a way out of my personal Hell. It took 6 years of persistence and hope, but I finally did it...
Last edited by Soul Monster on Mon Nov 27, 2023 19:16, edited 2 times in total.
"Remember to be happy, and keep smiling, and have hope, and know that there's sunshine everywhere. Just look around, and you'll find it."
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Soul Monster
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Re: World Mental Health Day

Post by Soul Monster »

Here it is, the final chapter. Once again, thank you to everyone who has read everything I've written up to this point, and has taken an interest in where the story goes. Telling people about stuff like this, especially on a text-based forum with users we don't know in person can be difficult for some, because of that feeling of dread you can build up in your head over how you think they might respond to it coupled with the lack of emotion that can come from solely using text. But you know what? I don't care. I'm OK with sharing my own experiences with others if it can inspire others to open up about their own struggles. With my story, it does seem like there were a lot of moments where it was downright hopeless, that there wasn't a way out...right? Well, this year, I had a life changing experience that pulled me out of this mess, and has brought me nothing but joy ever since. Here it is: Part 3, the story of how I overcame it all:

You guys have probably seen me mention on here that I got something from one of my heroes in 2021 that I cherish very much, a little something to tide me over until I could meet them in person. Well, this year it finally happened, I got to meet her, and it was one of the deepest, most profound, emotional, personal, and heart melting experiences I've ever had. In some way, shape of form, I guarantee that every user on here has seen her work at some point, and has been a part of all of our lives without even knowing it. I dreamed of meeting her for 16 years, ever since I realized just how much of an influence she had on my sense of humor, my style of humor, and who I am as a person. In the past 6 years especially, when her work became a form of escapism for me, it made me even more determined to make my wish come true, and sometimes that determination to grant that wish was the only thing that could get me through the Hell I faced when nothing else could. Finally, at long last, I got my wish. I got to meet my hero, the most prolific and talented voice actress of all time: Tress MacNeille!!!

If you're unfamiliar with her work, she's played characters in tons of shows, including The Simpsons, Animaniacs, Futurama, Tiny Toon Adventures, Chip N' Dale's Rescue Rangers etc. just to name a few (The first 2 being my favorite cartoons of all time). I've always had a love for animation, and I knew since I was a little kid the influence she had on me from watching The Simpsons, but it wasn't until I revisited Animaniacs in 2017 after doing character impressions and talking about the show with a friend of mine who's a big fan did I start to realize just how much more influential she was on me than I initially thought. It's also when I realized some of the other voice actors on the show: Rob Paulsen, Jess Harnell and Maurice LaMarche, were also major influences on me all along without me even knowing it.

Anyway, one night in 2017 I was at a hotel with friends for an event and we were hanging out in the lobby doing impressions of cartoon characters, and this is when we first ended up doing our impressions of Pinky and Brain. Since then, a lot of people at this event, which is more like a family reunion for our friend group, have come to recognize us for our impressions of them, and they say we do a very good job on them. After I got back from our trip, I decided to revisit Animaniacs, but little did I realize that I was revisiting it when I needed it the most...

During everything I was going through, Animaniacs became a form of escapism for me, and it helped take my mind off of what I was going through. During that time, I made it a goal to meet the cast members when I got the chance. Through all of those miserable times, it gave me something to be hopeful for, something to look forward to. Music, cartoons and giant monsters: Those 3 things were my escapism during it all. I waited for an opportunity to meet them for so long, through all the setbacks and hardships I was going through, and after starting to overcome the first wave in 2019, it seemed like 2020 would be the year, but that didn't pan out, and I was absolutely crushed by that, but this time it was even worse. Unlike the first wave of misfortune, this one involved being completely isolated from the outside world, and months of not seeing my friends or engaging in normal activities put me in a really bad place mentally. There were times I got very depressed, thinking that this was the end of the road for me, that all was lost and it wasn't coming back. There were times it got so bad that the idea of suicide was becoming more and more tempting, and without a will to live, you don't care what happens to you, which is part of why I overindulged in alcohol for a time being, because it made me forget all those feelings and give me a medicated moment of happiness. I've told my friend whom I had late night phone chats with into the early morning hours with during covid, that if he hadn't been there to do those calls, I would not be here today. The pandemic set me back even more, and struggling to overcome the crippling depression I felt after was a long and arduous process. Then, earlier this year, my opportunity came, and after 6 years of holding out hope to make my wish come true, I finally did it! I met the cast of Animaniacs!!! What a way to come out of this Hell than meeting the people who provided me with the escapism that got me through it all!

To tell you about this all, I'm going to share what it was like for me meeting each individual member of the cast, because meeting each individual person is a different experience, and each one was profound and very personal to me in their own unique ways. So, here are my experiences meeting each person, in the order I met them:

MAURICE LaMARCHE: Because his line was always the shortest, I got to interact with Maurice the most. He's a really nice guy, and while he may not be as upbeat or outgoing as Rob or Jess, the sincerity and warmth is there. He is usually seen with Rob Paulsen, and they go to tons of events together each year. We had a lot of good conversations about conventions, and the kind of stuff we do. Like all the other cast members, he really, truly loves his fans, and is one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet.

I met Maurice LaMarche first because nobody was in line for him when I was going past everyone's tables, and when I came up to meet him, we introduced ourselves and he shook my hand. I was blown away that the moment I had waited for so long was finally here, and here I am meeting everyone. I told him how much I love his work, and that I had been trying to meet them for the past 6 years, but I kept facing hardships that made it impossible up to that point. I told him an abridged version of what I had to watch my grandparents go through, coupled with having to care for them, and how hard it was on me to be in that situation, along with my struggles during the pandemic. He expressed his sympathies, and I was starting to get a little emotional reliving all these painful memories to tell him the story of what I had to go through to see them. As I was going off on a tangent and choking up about everything I faced, he got up and approached me to give me a hug. It was a very touching moment, and it meant a lot. When I regained my composure, we started having a pretty cool conversation. I told him about how me and my friend do impressions of Pinky and Brain for people at conventions, and I gave him a demonstration by reciting outtakes from Orson Welles commercials, which turned into both of us reciting them in Brain's voice together. How cool is that?! I'm known for my impression of Brain, and here I am doing the voice and reciting lines with the actual voice actor for the character! I also got a cool signature from him, and a few photos, which we felt turned out pretty good. Like I said, I had waited 6 years for this moment, and I didn't know what to say, to finally be experiencing it all and meeting these guys, and I told him how weird and surreal it was to finally be here with them. I was left speechless and taking it all in, I didn't know what to say or feel. He joked "It wasn't really what you were expecting, was it?". That got a laugh out of me, because it was exactly what I expected it would be.

The next day, I saw him again during a photo shoot with the entire cast, and when I entered the room everyone greeted me. Maurice shook my hand, and I got a great photo with everyone together. From then on out, there were a lot of opportunities to talk to him, because his line was always so short, so we had a lot of long conversations. I told him about my art and showed him a few pieces, including the Commander Keen artwork I did that won Best Non Computerized Art earlier this year. He thought it was all very good, and I went on to tell him a little about Commander Keen and our little community, and how great it is to have this little private corner of the internet that feels like what the internet was in the early 2000s. When I showed him my avatar on here, he responded "Yyyyes, Soul Monster!". You have no idea what that means to me. I got to tell him about a convention I've gone to for years, and how me and my friend do impressions of Pinky and Brain for people at the after party, and everyone says we're really good at it, telling us we've got the voices and inflections down perfect. This year we filmed us reciting the uncensored Frozen Peas outtakes Orson Welles did in which he goes off on the crew he's recording with. I got to show Maurice the video, and he said me and my friends do an excellent job and we've got it all down perfectly: the voices, the inflections, the timing, everything. That made me so happy and ecstatic to hear that from him, and I texted my friend who does Pinky's voice "Maurice LaMarche says we do an excellent job on Frozen Peas". Later on I was on the phone with him during a crappy day at the haunted manor, and I found out he was in Dallas meeting some other voice actors at the same time, and at that exact moment, he was talking with people about being starstruck by meeting all these people from our childhoods, when he got that text. He was over the moon with excitement and joy, and he told everyone he was hanging out with about what I had just sent him.

I also told Maurice a story about when I first saw that Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons where they did War of the Worlds and he played Orson Welles (Yeah yeah, I know everybody likes to s**t on that one, I think that hate is unwarranted for the most part). Watching that episode for the first time, I was so distracted, because I knew I had heard that voice before, but I couldn't remember where. Years later, at a convention, there was an in house channel at the hotel playing Godzilla-themed media, and they were playing that episode of Pinky and the Brain where they go to Japan, and that's when it clicked: THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT! That's actually what started me getting back into Animaniacs, plus the conversation I had with my friend among other things. I had a lot of great discussions with him, telling him about my experience as a fan of his work, and revisiting Animaniacs all these years later and reliving the memories of watching Wakko's Wish on Cartoon Network or at school on one of those old JVC TVs on the wheeled carts, and just reminiscing about that era of direct to video movies where there was a quality to them that's just missing nowadays. We shared a lot of good stories about that stuff, and those old TVs. I'm glad I got to have the lengthy conversations with Mr. Maurice LaMarche that I did. That guy is awesome!

ROB PAULSEN: Mr. Rob Paulsen is such a nice guy. Like everyone else I met, he's very supportive of others, and he knows how to make anybody happy. He's probably the most active socially out of the group, as he attends the most events each year and is very involved in activism and maintaining their relationship with their fans. He's been through a lot, especially going through treatment for throat cancer in 2016, which could've destroyed his livelihood, and I think that's motivated him even more to be there for his fans and support others who are going through their own struggles.

Before I met Rob, I had bought a copy of his autobiography and read it in the days leading up to this event. It's now one of my favorite books, and reading about his experiences with cancer became very painful to read, because it was practically line for line what I had to watch my grandma go through. It's also the only book that ever made me tear up.

When I first met Rob, he greeted me at his table and shook my hand. I pulled out my copy of his book to get signed by him. He seemed really touched by that, and I told him about how I had finished reading it just before coming to see him, and how painful it became to read for me, and how I had been trying to meet him for 6 years, but constant setbacks kept holding me back. I told him about what my grandma went through, how I was tasked with caring for her during her whole ordeal, and how despite all she went through, it wasn't enough and she didn't make it. It was very painful for me to tell him this, and I was choking up the whole time. Up until this point he was so cheerful and happy to see me, and after I told him all this, he looked at me dead serious and asked "You were very close with your grandma, weren't you?". I just painfully said "Yeah." while tearing up, so he gave me a hug out of consolation, saying "Hey, it's alright man". He signed my book after, and left a very heartfelt message in it for me. I was really touched by what he wrote. I also got a print signed by him afterward. I think that, in a lot of ways, Rob is one of the only people I've opened up to about this who truly understands what I've been through. I'm sure he knows from experience how hard it is on loved ones to see a family member in a situation like that, and the ways it can potentially unmask your friends and family, often showing you a very ugly truth about them in the process.

I then told him about how I'm an artist and how I sell my art at conventions, how I've been in the same position as him. There's a lot of people who come to meet these guys, who you can tell may have some mental problems or other conditions, and sometimes you just need to have a little more patience with them, and try to be more understanding. Just like them, there's kids with autism and other mental conditions that have come up to my table, and I can tell they're really nervous about interacting with me, and generally their moms or dads are with them to sort of hold their hand for these things. I think a lot of these kids are worried that I'm going to lose my patience with them or I'll turn out to be an a*****e, and when they realize I'm not one of the elitist vendor jerks a lot of us are so used to seeing at these things, they seem to be caught off guard, and become very thankful that I'm nice to them, and sometimes the parents thank me for that as well. I know the same feeling they do, you want to do good for these kids and when they're so grateful to you for not talking down to them, it means a lot to me when they treat me like I'm the coolest guy ever as a result. They ask me to sign their prints, to shake my hand etc., and it makes you want to set an example for those around you when people look up to you. One particular encounter that stood out to me was this year at our after party. I met this guy who I didn't know, but he knew me and had seen me around for the last few years, and he told me something that really stuck with me: "I wish there were more people in our community like you". I told Rob about these experiences I've had, and he told me "You're on the right track, pal!". It meant a lot to hear that from Mr. Rob Paulsen, and to have that mutual will to do good for these kids who really just need that kind soul in their lives to make them feel good about themselves.

Anyway, we got a picture together, and he called it our Christmas photo. 15 minutes later, I had a group photo with the entire cast, and when I stepped in the room, he greeted me and gave me a hug, and we had a nice picture taken with the rest of the cast.

The next day, I met him again, and got more stuff signed by him, while also asking him for advice on voice acting. He gave me a few tips, and we got a few more pictures together. I told him I'd see him in a couple weeks, because he was doing a concert near me that I would be attending.

2 weeks later, Rob was performing at Animaniacs Live, and I drove down to see the show. I spent the day with my friend, and we just went around hitting up stores and going to the arcade until I had to go to the venue. When I came out of the parking garage and was on my way to the front, I noticed a group of people lined up at the back entrance, and that's when I heard that voice: there was no mistaking that voice, it was Rob Paulsen! I got in line and got to meet him again. He was asking me how I've been, so I told him about the chaos (the good kind) I'd been experiencing since I came back, and how much fun I was having at the haunted house. I also told him about how I was telling all my friends about meeting everyone and how much it meant to finally do that. He thought that was cool, and we got a few pictures together before the show.

TRESS MacNEILLE: Tress is just the sweetest. Unlike the other guys, I can tell Tress has a much more reserved personality, and prefers having more personal space. She doesn't do as many events as the other guys, nor is she online. It also seems like after a while, large crowds start getting to her. I've heard from fans that sometimes large crowds can make her uncomfortable. One thing I noticed based on seeing her interactions with fans, along with my own experiences meeting her is that she seems...I don't want to say guarded, but maybe more cautious around new people, like she doesn't feel completely safe around them, and tries to keep them more at arms length, and I suspect there's more to it than just her personality. I'm not going to go into details, but a friend of mine has told me stories about some sick minded fans who have been rather inappropriate towards her, and have done some really messed up things that really creeped her out, and I suspect that maybe that made her more sensitive and protective as a result. Just a guess, I could be wrong about all this. If anything it just seems like it takes her a bit to warm up to new people. All I know is that once she got to know me, through a meet and greet that got very deep and emotional for both of us, she seemed to open up a lot more towards me, and had warmed up to me a lot more.

Meeting Tress was a very big deal for me. This is the only time I've ever had to mentally prepare myself before meeting someone. When I first saw everyone at their tables, I was hit with all these emotions at once. There they were, in the same room as me, and after so much anticipation, the moment I had dreamed of for so long was finally here! In her case, there was 16 years of anticipation built up to someday meet her.

I first met her at the group photo with the entire cast. When everyone greeted me, she came up to me and we introduced ourselves and she shook my hand. I was starstruck in that moment, just left thinking "Oh my God, I just shook hands with Tress MacNeille!" We got our photo together, and I headed out to get autographs from them.

I was waiting in line to see Jess Harnell, and while in line I was talking to a guy dressed as Otto, the bus driver from The Simpsons, and when I told him about how I had been waiting 16 years to meet Tress, he noticed that her line was pretty short, so he encouraged me to go see her first. Just as I was next in line, she went out to lunch. As the handlers were pulling her aside, she looked at me and the other guy in line, pointing to us like "What about them?", but they insisted she take a break, so she told me they'd be back. I waited the full hour in line to be the first person to see her when she got back. When she came back from her break, I was buying my tickets from the handler, and Tress says "Hey Alex". It blew my mind that it was finally happening, my greatest wish was coming true. When I walked up to her she greeted me and shook my hand. I brought out some stuff for her to sign, one of which was a figure of Mrs. Skinner (Principal Skinner's mom from The Simpsons) to get signed, and she asked me about it, wondering if I had bought it while I was at the event. I told her that a friend of mine had gotten me that figure for Christmas last year because he knew that Mrs. Skinner is one of my favorite characters from the show, and he knew I had been trying to meet her for a long time. She said Mrs. Skinner is one of her favorites too. She thought that it was really cool, and asked me if my name was spelled "A-L-E-X", and I gave her a look like "Really?", and said something like "You don't know how to spell my name?" and she responds with "Hey I don't know, maybe it's spelled differently". So just in case, I did clarify that it was indeed the correct spelling of my name, and she was asking where to sign it, and while she was signing it I told her that I had been trying to meet her for the last 16 years, to which she replied "16?! What are you 18 now?" It made me laugh, and I just responded "No." in between my laughter.

Then I told her that I had been trying really hard to meet everyone for the last 6 years, but I kept going through these hardships that kept preventing me from doing so, so she said "Oh yeah? What was that all about?". I told her about what my grandma went through, and how I had to take on the responsibility of caring for her during her battle with cancer, and everything she had to go through just to find out that the tumors had spread and they couldn't do anything for her anymore and she didn't make it. When Tress looked up at me, the look of absolute shock, sadness, and horror on her face when I told her all this..."To go through all that and it still wasn't enough." she said. I started choking up and getting teary-eyed. I knew she was taking me seriously. I replied "Mmmhmm...Radiation treatments and a $750,000 surgery that involved removing multiple organs, and it was all for nothing". It took everything I had not to break down crying in that moment. I went on to tell her about how my grandpa suffered a massive stroke that left him disabled and led to all kinds of health issues down the road that eventually did him in, and I had to care for him at the same time as my grandma. All the while she was hanging onto my every word.

I went on to tell her about how it seemed like things were getting better for me in 2019, and just as I was getting over what happened, covid hit, and she replied "Who could've foreseen something like that?". I told her about the isolation, the depression and the loss of hope I felt during it all, and how me and my friend would talk on the phone into the early morning hours to get our minds off of it. Eventually, I just reached a point where I was thinking "Is this is? Is this how it ends?". I had nothing to look forward to, no hope whatsoever, I was just miserable and depressed every day. This is when I got something from her in the mail. This is what I've hinted at getting this whole time. There was a website doing an online panel with the cast, and they were selling autographs from them for a short time, so I figured, since I didn't know when I would get a chance to meet these guys, this was a chance to get something to tide me over until then. When I made the purchase, everything changed. It pulled me out of a very dark place and gave me something to look forward to again and give me some kind of hope. Every day until it came, I waited with so much excitement and anticipation, something I hadn't had in a long time. So, in March 2021, it came: a photo of Dot Warner signed by Tress MacNeille and made out to me. That autograph brought me so much joy, and still does. I brought it with me to show her. I told her the story of how I got it, along with the sad state I was in before I got it. When I pulled out her autograph, calling it one of my Holy Grails, she said "Oh, you didn't!". I could tell that my story was really starting to get to her, and she was starting to get emotional over it too. I told her that waiting for her autograph to show up was like being a kid waiting for Christmas, and I waited every day with excitement and a smile on my face.

She thanked me for making meeting me such a wonderful and memorable experience for her, and that really hit me hard. I went on to tell her how much it meant to me to be able to get her autograph when I needed it the most, how much her work means to me and how important it was in helping me get through that. As I was telling her all this, she responded "Oh, Alex, you're gonna make me cry!". That really got to me. It wasn't an act. She really looked like she was going to break down crying if I went any further. I felt bad about it, but I was so touched by that. "You're gonna make me cry too." I responded. It was a very deep moment, in which both of us were trying to hold back tears. We took a moment to regain our composure, and while I was getting my stuff together, she said "Well Alex, you've got a lot of nice goodies there to take home with you.", and while trying to get one of my autographs back into the protector, I accidentally dropped it and she says in Mrs. Skinner's voice "Alex, you're not principal of the line! Never have been, never will be!" and while my hands are shaking from all the emotions I'm feeling and trying to get the photo back in, she's going on in the voice "Alex, you're supposed to open it from the top and slide the picture in!". Once I got her autograph back in the protector, we got a few photos together. She came up to me and put her arms around me, and I am the only person she hugged for a photo at her table. It was a lot to take in at one time, and I was overjoyed. Once, at an after party with friends, in a drunken stupor, I told my friends that a hug from Tress MacNeille would mean everything to me. We had a few extras taken too in case the first ones didn't turn out. Tress told the photographer "He gets and extra one 'cuz he's special.", so we got a couple extras, and she hugged me even tighter, and I had the biggest grin on my face. After we took those photos, she wanted to give me a hug, and when she put her arms around me, that did it, I broke down crying. I couldn't make out what she was saying to me, I just heard her saying my name a few times, and I kept telling her "Thank you." and "You don't know what this means to me.". It was a very deep moment, and to know that she was just as moved by it all as I was, was just heart melting. When I regained my composure, I got my stuff together and she asked if I would be at their panel later, and I told her yeah I would be, and I headed off to go see Mr. Jess Harnell. After that meeting, any time she saw me, whether it be walking past her table, or at the panel, she'd smile and wave at me. It's nice when they remember you, and when meeting you is just as profound and impactful for them as it was for you.

The next day, I had a photo shoot with Tress. I had changed my outfit, and when she came into the room, she smiled and waved at me, and after she put her stuff down, the staff let me into the booth. She asked me if I had a good night. I replied "Oh yeah! Why?", and as she's looking me over she says "Well, you're all dressed up" (My outfit was a grey long sleeve shirt, black pants, Chuck Taylor Converse, a black overcoat, and a little jewelry. We took a moment to make ourselves look a little more presentable (I was fixing my hair, she was putting on lipstick), and she observed "Hey we sort of match!". We got a photo together, and just in case the first one didn't turn out, we got a second one, to which she told the photographer "He gets an extra one 'cuz he's special". Afterwards she shook my hand and I told her that I would come by her table later to get our photo signed.

Later on at her table, I brought a hard copy of that photo to get signed, and she said that it was a very nice photo. At first she didn't realize that's what I was getting signed, she thought I was just showing her our photo together, and then she realized "Oh I'm signing the PHOTO". She told me that it's a very cute photo of me, and being called cute by the woman who plays the Warner sister is a little extra special. She signed it for me, and I got a personalized recorded message from her as Dot Warner. Ever since then, an excerpt of what she said in that video has become my signature on here. I got photos of her holding the Mrs. Skinner figure, and the signed photo of Dot I got from her during lockdown, and then we got some pictures together. Before I headed out, she asked "You goin' to Twisted Toonz, darling?" to which I replied "Oh yeah!" (Twisted Toonz is where they recite random movie scenes in their character voices), and I headed out to go say hi to everybody else.

JESS HARNELL: I had always heard stories from people about how awesome Mr. Jess Harnell is, and they are right. He is one of the coolest, and nicest dudes you will ever meet. It's not really like you're meeting him, it's like he's meeting you. He really, truly loves his fans and wants the best for all those around him. There is not one single solitary bad thing you could say about the guy, and he knows just how to make anybody smile. There's people who aren't even hardcore fans of him, yet they still want to meet him just because they love his personality, and the fact that he just loves to encourage others. I'm telling you, it is impossible to feel sad around this guy, as soon as he starts talking to you, it just puts a smile on your face and makes you feel nothing but joy.

I first met him during a group photo with the cast. Right off the bat he thought I was cool as Hell, and absolutely loved my outfit, calling me his brother in rock n' roll from another mother. We introduced ourselves, he asked me my name, and shook my hand, then told me I gotta come by his table later so we can give each other fashion tips. I got a picture with him and his wife Mrs. Cara Harnell after, and everyone who sees the photo says it's awesome and that I fit right in.

I came by his table later on and while Jess was meeting another fan I was talking with Cara, his wife, who asked me if I was in a band (a common question people ask me) and I always have to tell everyone "Not yet, but I want to be". I went on to tell her that lots of people tell me I have a very good singing voice, and some friends of mine say I have kind of a 90s grunge sound to my voice, which makes sense considering Scott Weiland and Layne Staley are 2 of my biggest influences. She wanted to hear a demonstration, so I tried to think of something that's easy for me to sing, that I knew I wouldn't mess up in that moment, so I just sang part of Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots, and her response was "You have GOT to be in a band!". Those were some very encouraging words from her, and I hope I can make it happen at some point.

When I got to meet Jess, he shook my hand again, and we hit it off and got to know each other. We were talking about what singers from what bands we've been called. I mentioned that I've heard people say he looks like the singer from White Snake, and his response was "Dude, I've been called the singer for every band out there!", and I told him about some of the ones I've been called. One guy once said I look like a cross between Crocodile Dundee and Kid Rock, and he told me "You know, I just don't see it, man. To me you've got kind of like a Ronnie Van Zant look to you, from Lynyrd Skynyrd.", which is the one I get the most. I also told him I've been called Axl Rose by a few people, and he says "You're better lookin' than Axl Rose, man!". He really knows how to make anybody feel good about themselves. He wanted to get to know me while he signed my photos, so I told him about how I'm an artist, and showed him some of my newest pieces, his response was "OK, so you're the REAL deal!", and he thought my art was awesome. I was also telling him about all the cool projects and stuff I would be doing when I got back, to which he replied "Dude, you got so much cool stuff going on I've lost track!". He also overheard me mentioning that I want to get into voice acting, not just because it's fun, but also because people often ask me if I do voiceover and say I have a very distinct voice, so it seems people see something special in me. He directed me to a website (VOBuzzWeekly) that offers free lessons, and he said one day, if I pursue it, and if I ever make my own show, that we should get together and do voices for it. Those were some very encouraging words from Jess. Then again, most of the stuff he says is. This is where I was caught off guard: JESS HARNELL KNOWS ABOUT COMMANDER KEEN!!! I showed him the piece I uploaded last year and told him about PCKF, and how great it is to have this little oasis in a far corner of the internet. I got a few pictures with him and Cara after, and was on my way.

The next day, I got to see them again, and because I changed my outfit, the handler and Cara were asking me where the hat went. I just told them that I wanted to go for a different look today. Cara said my outfit was still pretty cool though, still very rock n' roll. We talked for a little bit, and then I said hi to Jess again. I got some more stuff signed by him, and a personalized video from him as Wakko Warner. Apparently the Warners liked me so much they tied me up in the water tower and left me up there. I somehow managed to escape. I also told him about how I had been trying to meet everyone for the last 6 years, but I was constantly hit with setbacks and hardships, so he told me a saying, which I unfortunately forgot what it was, but I remember how nice it made me feel, along with being very relatable, and he asked me if things are getting better for me, which I said I think they finally are. I got a few more photos with him and Cara, and while I was fixing my hair, Jess says "Dude, you have gorgeous hair, you don't need to do anything with it!". After the photos he gave me a hug, gave me some words of encouragement, and told me how much he loves my outfit and upbeat attitude, and I told him that things would be very different the next time we see each other...

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Once again, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my story, and has been hanging on to my every word since the beginning! It means a lot to know that people do care about this, and that you guys take it seriously! There's also a couple friends of mine who aren't on the forums, but were interested in hearing the story, so rather than rehash all these painful memories in grueling detail, I directed them to this thread if they wish to hear the full, unabridged version of it all.

I can now say that this is the longest, most thought out, most difficult, most painful, yet most uplifting, cathartic and most heartfelt thing I've ever written. Never before have I ever opened up so much about everything I've been through, and to cover every detail of it all was difficult yet satisfying. To finally get this all off my chest and to feel like I can truly move on from that dark period of my life feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Writing all of this out and looking back on it all, I think to myself "How the Hell did I make it through all of this? How did I pull through? How did I not just give up after going through so much for so long?". I would never wish for anyone to go through what I did, nor should anyone have to go through troubled times alone, and because of the crushing loneliness and helplessness I felt during it all, it makes me want to help others and be there for them when they're going through their own struggles. Nobody should ever have to feel alone in situations like these as I did. I hope my story provides some encouragement to others on here who wish to contribute to this thread, or are going through their own hardships. Hopefully they'll realize that whatever misfortunes they're facing are only temporary, and they can be overcome as long as they remain steadfast, find a form of escapism, and aren't afraid to open up to a friend or loved one about what they're going through. Hopefully this will also provide proYorp with the necessary means to help get his support group off the ground.

Because of my new friends, I feel like I finally got closure on all of this, and I can finally move past what I went through. Just to talk to another person who could be so understanding, and in some cases relate to what I've been through, and to finally get that consolation, that reassurance, and love that I needed all along, no less from the people I look up to, whose work helped me get through these nightmares, pulled me out of the dark place I knew for too long. Who would've thought that just getting that reassurance, to have someone tell you "Hey, it's alright. It's OK" could be so mean so much? Not once while I was going through that was anyone ever as kind to me as they were, nor did I ever have that consolation or reassurance that it would be OK, that voice telling me that what I was enduring could be overcome, and I could one day be truly happy again. I was left to fend for myself, to deal with all of the painful unspoken feelings that plagued my thoughts every day, and just to have some kind of hope, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to meet these guys once I could find a way out of this mess. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a newfound optimism, and that I have something to strive for again. These guys encourage me in a way nobody ever has before, and when it's coming from the people that left such an impact on who I am as a person, how could I not follow through with my goals? They make you feel like you not only want to do good for yourself, but you want to do good for them too.

While writing this, it occurred to me: my story probably hits really close to home for these guys, because they had to watch Rob go through the exact same ordeal when he was diagnosed with cancer, and with how long they've all been friends, it makes it so much harder when you're watching someone you're so close to suffering as much as they are, especially with all the uncertainty and dread about all the possible outcomes that can occur. The only difference is that Rob was able to beat cancer, my grandma wasn't so lucky. During the panel, it almost sounded like Rob was referencing my story when he mentioned how fans will come to meet them and tell them, often through tears, about how, for example, they lost a family member to cancer and to take their minds off of it they would watch their shows. I noticed Maurice LaMarche was glancing over at me as Rob was saying this, so maybe he was referencing what I told him?

It still blows my mind that I finally made my greatest wish come true, and this experience has brought me nothing but joy ever since. Before I knew it was going to happen, I legitimately felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown if it didn't happen this time, it got scary, I've never felt anything like that before, and I can only imagine what would've happened had this chance slipped through my hands. As a little kid watching their work, I never thought that one day I would be meeting them, getting hugs from them, and having these meaningful interactions with them. During a talk with a family member about what happened, where I unloaded about how I really felt the whole time, they told me "Look at it this way: because you went through all of that, it made meeting these guys so much more meaningful for you, and it made meeting you more memorable for them". That's true, but the mental and emotional scars are still there, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to rid myself of them. Not a day goes by without the memories of that time coming back to haunt me. However, I feel like after meeting them, I'm starting to get a better handle on things since then and can look back and see things from a new perspective. I mean, what better way to get closure than meeting the people whose work got me through all of this, and have been an influence on me all along?

If any of them ever read this: Thank you for all you've done for me! God knows I'm not the only one who has been through horrors like this, and somehow there's people out there who have been through even worse misfortunes than me. So often I see people longing to meet you, trying to make their wish come true like I did, and out of the millions of your fans out there, I am forever grateful to be one of the fortunate few who had the honor to meet you, and to see what wonderful and inspiring people you all are!
"Remember to be happy, and keep smiling, and have hope, and know that there's sunshine everywhere. Just look around, and you'll find it."
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